Desperate To Be A Housewife

Fini Redux

2006-09-28T22:40:00.000-07:00

You're right Butterfly (who won't be back, but maybe she'll get this message by osmosis or something), I owe you all an explanation. I'm done here. Fini (that's French...for "finished"...or freedom fries, it depends whether you're a Republican or a Democrat). I can't blog like this anymore. I'm setting myself free from Blogger, free from the nicknames, free from holding back what I really want to express.

If you care to follow, I'll be blogging at Procrastamom from now on. If you're coming over, prepare to meet the real me.

Whether you're coming with or staying put (or won't be back), thanks very much for reading here the last year and a half. Thanks for your comments, thanks for your emails, thanks for your friendships.

Just thanks.

Fini

2006-09-27T15:30:00.000-07:00

Because I go to Wendy's entirely too much...

2006-09-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

Gah! I need an Advil Liquigel and a Frosty (lucky for me there just happens to be a pill in my desk drawer and an ice-cream-like substance in the freezer. yes I landed in Wendy's drive-thru again at lunch today. shut up!). This has been one ass-kicking week.

Period Watch 2006 is officially over. Please pass the Tampax. This week I got my period after 78 days AND AFTER I spent the $12.99 to find out what I already knew. I'd forgotten just how hard it is to pee on a stick for a full five seconds (read: messy). And I'd also forgotten how one feels just a little pang of regret when that plus sign doesn't show up in the results window (cause how cool would that have been to have another little person in your life? Even if the littlest person in your life right now is a full eight years old and you think you may not want to go back to diapers and midnight feedings. A baby? With a head that smells like babyness? Mmmm). So yeah. OVER. And apparently I'm looking forward to grandchildren in ten or so years. Or maybe just the smell of their heads.

Cheap Bastard had a small operation on Wednesday. Day surgery. That's all I'm really allowed to say about that without pissing him off cause I wrote about his private life on my website. It's a secret. We're all worried sick. Stress abounds. Watch for updates to this secret, tragic surgical matter...coming never. The end.

Oh and we got a new receptionist two weeks ago from an agency. She was working out okay. At least she answered the phones well and distributed the faxes and that was a big break for everyone around here. She did look a little overwhelmed by the eight constantly ringing lines (they ring in my nightmares, seriously). She quit last Friday. But told no-one. By Monday morning at 10:30 we're wondering what happened to Linda and calling the agency for information. When the agency finally caught up with her she told them that we very nearly gave her a nervous breakdown with all the work she was expected to handle and THE PHONES, oh the phones! She never, ever wanted to think about us again. So on Tuesday they sent us a new recruit. Who, again, has worked out well. Apparently she phoned the agency this morning and told them she wouldn't be returning on Monday.

I'm thinking that anytime in the next couple of weeks won't be the best time for me to give my notice or tell anyone around here about my new job. I'm picturing my co-workers running at me with knives and my boss lying in the fetal position under his large oak desk.

...now, please excuse me. I have a date with a pill and some chocolately goodness.

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 49 minutes

Laundry List: I need a diary...that I can write all my non-internet appropriate secrets down in. Then I could write pretend comments to myself too: "Gee Vicky, I'm sorry you've been so worried about your husband. I'm sorry that you can't write about it and get it out of your system. I'm sure everything will turn out okay. Oh and I know its been hard having other family members in your house this week. HARD. Really f*&#ing hard. And that you can't write about that on the internet either because you're not anonymous to your family and your family will be offended. And that your head is spinning and you can't wait to go home tonight to JUST YOUR FAMILY and no one else." Ahem. Yeah, pretend comments like that...

Ha, Ha, Pregnancy...

2006-09-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

A couple of you have replied to my last post with all of your "ha, ha, sounds like pregnancy symptoms." I don't want to name any names here (Heather! The Empress! You BC girls are bad news I tell you. BAD. NEWS). Are you trying to give my MIL and FIL heart attacks? And what about me? Baby? Now? Gaaa! I just died.

I had a baby at 19. I had a second at 24. I had my last child two months before my 26th birthday. I'm 34 now. Waaaaaay too old for that shit. I was done with diapers over 6 years ago. Even with all the activity fees, school fees and clothing I pay for now my bank account stays in the black more than it did when I was shelling out for diapers and formula. I sleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Eight hours. I go out with my friends occassionally. I read books. Fiction books. My kids do chores now. I haven't washed a supper dish in months.

No babies! No, no, no. And also, NO!

Cheap Bastard and I were getting dressed the other day when I told him I was obviously dying. I haven't had my period in 2 1/2 months and I am obviously either dying or going through early menopause. His response: "Have you ever thought that you might be pregnant? Vasectomies have been known to fail, even after eight years."

...and then I shot him.

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 45 minutes

Period Watch 2006: Approx. Day 76

Laundry List: Not spending the $12.00 on a test that will tell me what I already know (ie: no more babies for you. The next baby in your life will be a granchild). Instead, purchase cake.

Symptoms of Early Menopause

2006-09-14T14:17:00.000-07:00

Besides the fact that I haven't had my period since mid-July, but have been bloated since August 21st (exit FIL stage right..."I uhm, have to go fiddle with something in the garage. Eep!"). I have managed to convince myself that I'm experiencing early menopause at the tender age of 34. Could it be? Will I soon be breaking it off with my evil boyfriend Tampax? Let's review the symptoms shall we?

hot flushes and night sweats: Nope. None. But I'm the type of person that swaddles herself in 3 quilts and a duvet in her bed in the dead heat of summer. Just last night I again asked Cheap Bastard to please, please buy me some electric socks. My feet were freaking icicles and when I pushed my foot out of the blankets to stick it on his bare skin - so he could experience the liquid nitrogen that are my feet - I bashed my toe on the footboard of the bed. The foot shattered into a million ice fragments. And so I asked Cheap Bastard to please buy me an electric sock. Then I cried, cause it bloody hurt!

aches and pains: Yes, everywhere. But in my own defense, I have a daughter in GRADE TEN now. Please pass the Geritol and speak up Sonny, I can't hear you!

crawling or itching sensations under the skin: I just scratched my arms raw...after reading that symptom. Kind of like when I rake the heck out of my hair when the kids bring home a notice titled "There's Been A Lice Outbreak In The School" (danger!).

headaches: All the freaking live long day. Advil Liquigels are "my precious".

vaginal dryness: Oh my virgin eyes! They do burn!

reduced sex drive (libido): I have three children. I did it three times (ask Bella - "Ew! You and Daddy did it THREE times! Gross!).

urinary frequency: Excuse me, I have to pee.

tiredness: What exactly does it feel like not to be tired?

irritability: This symptom pisses me off.

depression: I live with my parents. Thank you and goodnight.

sleeping difficulty: I only get up three to four times a night...from all the peeing.

lack of self esteem: Nobody's really reading this list are they?

forgetfulness: What is this "Desperate to be a Housewife" blog thing? And why has it been abandoned for so long? Who is the owner of this lonely blog? He or she should be ashamed!

Time until I'm back with my family: 2 hours, 10 minutes

Laundry List: regular socks

Picture This

2006-08-29T17:26:00.000-07:00

Zeenee is having her school portraits taken tomorrow. What to wear? Oh, what to wear? And how should I style my hair? Smile or no smile? Teeth or no teeth?

I was just filling out the order form and was faced with a number of choices myself (like whether to buy portraits or pay the mortgage this month), the biggest decision being (who really needs a roof over their heads anyways) what background to choose (millions of people live without shelter right?) for our portrait "package" (the bank doesn't usually reposess after the first missed payment...right? Usually?). Our choices are limited to six different backgrounds, three of which we dismissed immediately. The losers are Slate (had that last year, Zee's wearing navy or brown this year...no Slate), Downtown (we're so totally too Uptown for Downtown) and Brick (just no).

Choice Number 4 is Arctic which, staple some wings to this chick's back and call her Liz (cause this beyotch is so obviously the perfect and popular cheerleader type from high school, of which they were always named Liz or Tiffany or Mitzy or Fluffy). No angels have flown up Zeenee's butt lately, so we're probably not going with Arctic.

Karma is interesting. Interesting in the way that having your picture taken in the deepest recesses of HELL would be interesting. "Okay smile like your ass is on fire! You look HOT!" Yawn. Fire and brimstone is so last year.

I think we're gonna go with Sky. It should compliment Zee's fashion choice well and her colouring against that background will be perfect. Also, when you live in the Vancouver area, nothing says "I'm a West Coast Chick" like having your picture taken with a scene from a typical spring day!

Sometimes the Paint program comes in handy

2006-08-25T16:20:00.000-07:00

"Ew Mom! I'm making a stupid face in that one. You are not putting that picture on the internet. I forbid it!"

...problem solved sweetie!

(Gee, and her brother and sister look so normal in this picture)

Because even if you can't be a stay at home mom...

2006-08-25T15:38:00.000-07:00

...getting one day off work every two weeks to spend with your kids is totally worth it!

"I just don't understand why I have to brush my hair EVERY day. I brushed it yesterday before soccer practice!"

Steeeee-rike!

"Do you have these in a pump, say with a 2" heel?"

"Mom! You're messing up my technique. Put the camera down!"

"Budgie! Walk faster and don't look back. She's pointing that thing again!"

Why you don't wear jeans to weigh in at Weight Watchers

2006-08-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

...because when you step on the scale and it says that you have gained 0.2 pounds the ladies will chastise you for wearing jeans. "You don't wear jeans to weigh in!" they will exclaim. "Do you have anything on under those jeans? You could take them off." And because you are not willing to expose your flower printed Fruit of the Looms to the rest of the group you almost resign yourself to accepting the small gain.

...until your mother offers to take her lighter material shorts off in the bathroom so you can weigh yourself in those. And so, while your mother stands in the public washroom in HER flower printed Fruit of the Looms, you trot out to the scale in shorts that are three sizes too large BUT MUCH LIGHTER than your jeans and manage to lose 0.6 pounds. Victory is now your best friend.

...and jeans your mortal enemy!

(caveat: the picture above does not acurately represent my waistline in a pair of jeans. Obviously, I would not be caught dead in a pair this wrinkly. Otherwise the image is perfect)

Let's Try This

2006-08-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

This morning I installed Haloscan comments on da blawwwg. I can prove it. Look below this entry where Haloscan auto-posted "Haloscan comments have been installed on this blog." See? Told ya. Let's try to be a little more open minded shall we?

Nice things about Haloscan: I receive your comments directly to my gmail inbox and I can REPLY directly to your inbox provided you leave an email address. NICE!

Horrible, terrible things that have happened to this blog as a result of Haloscan: Every last one of the comments left on this blog for the last year and a half have been eradicated...wiped out...nuked. HORRIBLE! TERRIBLE!

Your job as a loyal Desperate to be a Housewife reader and commenter is to go back and re-post every comment you ever made on each individual, well written, incredibly humourous post. Please don't forget the LOL's and the ROTFLMAO's and the "Vicky, you are incredibly humourous and delightfully perfect" comments that you all made before. I'm sure you have every word burned on your brain and can accomplish this task in mere hours, maybe even weeks. Hey! You four loyal readers in the back! I see you trying to slither out the back door! Do you actually think I can't track you with my stats counter? I know where you live!

Thank you for your immediate attention to this matter. Should you have any questions or concerns please contact the writer on the comments page.

(Please don't hurt me!)

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours

Laundry List: Hangman's rope, "Just Kidding" sign

2006-08-24T08:53:00.000-07:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Question...

2006-08-23T14:15:00.000-07:00

Has anybody had trouble accessing the comments on this blog? I'm not asking because there's been a lack of comments (the norm is 2-3 per post), but because when I try to click on the comments button here at work (and sometimes at home) it won't open the comments window for me. And that is when my mouse takes the most abuse...what with being thrown against the [soft] cubicle wall and the amount of pressure my index finger puts on the left clicker button when it. just. won't. open. the. window. dammit. dammit! Sometimes if I refresh the window then it will open the comments and sometimes if I swear really loud it will open and sometimes if I sacrifice a virgin chicken and throw the entrails at the screen it will open. Sometimes.

If you've had the same problem with my blaaaawgg could you please email me in the complaints department at: procrastamomATgmailDOTcom

Thanks for doing your part to help save innocent livestock.

And there must be sleep or somethin in my eyes...

2006-08-23T08:47:00.000-07:00

Holy Mother of Scrambled Eggs! Why did I agree to come into work at 7:00 this morning? Did you know that most people don't get up that early? I know it to be a fact, because I was one of the only people on the roads in my small city at 6-freaking-thirty in today's a.m. The good news is I get to go home at 3:00. The bad news? I will be napping by 3:20. And I may not be all the way home by then.

Thankfully, it's Wednesday and tomorrow is my last day of work for the week. Tiny miracles.

Well, I've got the Wednesday Advice Smackdown all loaded up in another window and a fresh cup of tea by my side. The Advice Smackdown is my weekly crack...I should feel better in twenty minutes or so.

Time until I'm back with my family: 6 hours, 27 minutes

Laundry List: Wash teacup, refill. Don't share crackpipe (sharing crackpipe = meningitis...Zeenee and I know it for a fact. We read it in a pamphlet)

**Isn't that kitten gorgeous? I got the pic from an email that MIL sent me. I think my cat, P-Marie, would have looked just like that as a kitten. I don't know for sure as we got her from the SPCA when she was five months old. I have the pic on my desktop...cheers me up when I have to buck up and actually look like I'm working.

Infrequently Asked Questions

2006-08-22T15:06:00.000-07:00

(cause none of my four readers ever actually asks these questions, but I'm forcing answers upon you in order to clear my own head. Okay MIL actually does ask when I'm going to post again. So these are the questions the other three of you never really asked.)

What did you do this weekend?

Thanks for asking! I had quite the interesting weekend actually. On Thursday night my sister-in-law mysteriously stuck around at our house after Weight Watchers to hang out and watch TV. It didn't seem mysterious at the time, but now that I think about it...hmmm, maybe she doesn't actually like my company as much as she let on that night (ha, ha, of course she does. Who doesn't? Seriously, show yourself!). Anyways, about 9:30 the doorbell rings and my Dad gets it. He calls to my Mom that her anniversary present is here and I hear her squeal. You know that squeal, the one that sounds like oh-my-god-the-best-thing-just-happened-and-it's-so-cute-like-a-new-puppy squeal? That's the one. She calls down to me to come quick and see her surprise, so I go running upstairs thinking "we got a new puppy! Yaa, what I always wanted!" Turns out to be my brother, Freddy Fortine, from Kingston, Ontario who just got home from Afghanistan a month ago. My Dad and other brother manufactured this surprise for my Mom and got him to come out and visit for the weekend. Which, yaa! They also tried to get him to bring his new girlfriend, but she couldn't get away from work. And did you know I was actually glad about that, because if they'd have dared to spring this new person upon my house without me knowing about it I would have been devastated. Have you seen my house on a weekday? No. Because I would never let you in on a weekday. There should be quarantine tape around my house during the week, because I have about as much time to clean it on weeknights as I do to look after a new puppy. Which I didn't get as a surprise, but seeing my brother was just as good (I'm just saying that puppys are nice too. Don't get all defensive like that). Anyways, that's why my SIL stayed late. She knew about the surprise! In fact everyone knew about the surprise except my Mom and me (and the kids of course because they could never keep that kind of a secret). I felt like Pheobe being the last one to find out about Chandler being bitten by the peacock at the zoo.

Friday was spent in the emergency room with Cheap Bastard. He's fine now thanks, but I was quite worried about him for a while. He's pretty upset about it still, but I think it's more about the fact that he and my brothers were supposed to rent a speed boat that day and instead he found himself being poked and made to wait and prodded and made to wait and x-rayed and made to wait. I called in absent to work and waited it out with him...and read most of my book in the meantime...so there's that for positives.

Saturday my Dad and brother treated all the adults in the family to a dinner cruise. I threw up. The End.

Sunday we said goodbye to Freddy, who had to get back to his job of killing innocent paper targets (or whatever they actually do in the Canadian Army. Riding in helicopters that regularly fall out of the sky? Eating donuts and talking hockey? Drinking beer and watching peep shows? Freddy says it's all classified information).

Why won't you elaborate on the boat cruise?

Because it's just embarassing that I can't ever get on a large boat without losing first my equilibrium, then my stomach and finally my pride. I couldn't eat the beautiful food that was put in front of me. In fact, I'm willing to bet that I will never be able to smell salmon again without feeling like I need to vomit. I couldn't even enjoy the drama of the cruise ship down the straight that was on fire. With real smoke and everything. The captain said we might be called out to help with rescue efforts (because I guess all boats in the vacinity are responsible for rescue efforts? Not sure I fathomed that right, but I'm a prairie girl by upbringing, so the rules of the sea are not my specialty. Might explain my stomach's aversion to all things nautical eh?) and all I could think about was how much longer I would be stuck on this floating nightmare if we had to do that.

Were there ANY highlights from the boat cruise?

There was that thing where Freddy presented my parents with an all expenses paid cruise through the Carribean. My Mom looked like she had won the big bonus on the Price is Right. That was a good moment. Then I ran down to the underbelly of the ship (galley?) and threw up again.

Okay, let's get away from this boat cruise thing. Why haven't you been posting here much?

Indifference? Yes, let's go with that. Or procrastination? Definately procrastination....and indifference. I think of great posts when I'm either on the toilet (ew!) or driving. Since I can neither post when I'm on the road or on the pooper, my fantastic, brilliant, awe inspiring thoughts drift outta my brain and into the atmosphere...where they climb ever higher and higher until they reach blog heaven. These thoughts are then stolen by the angels for use in their popular celestial blogs, for example "Wind Beneath My Wings" and "True Halo Confessions". Seriously though, when I sit down at the computer to write these days I have NOTHING. And my blog? I go back and forth between being sad and down enough to press the DELETE THIS BLOG button and totally euphoric because someone was kind enough to email and tell me how much they like what I write (Thank you to everyone who's done that. You make my day every time!). Right now I'm contemplating a name change because I'm not really feeling the "Desperate to be a Housewife" vibe anymore. I'm never going to be a SAHM. I work. I will always have to work. I'm coming to terms with that. I have to try to be happy with that. I need a new name for my blog (not to mention a Typepad platform, so that I can leave Blogger behind). One that describes me in the now. Not what I wish, but what I am. Suggestions are welcome. I'm rolling "MomFreak" around right now.

Speaking of working, have you started working for your Dad's company yet?

No. Plans are for me to take over the position on or around November 15th. The girl who I'm doing payroll for here comes back from her operation then and I hope to not have to train anybody new before I leave (so I'll be handing in my notice an hour before I pack my desk). She can just come back from her bedrest and take over her old job and I can go skipping along on my merry way. I do have a new desk at the shop though! And a new red pencil cup! Which goes to show that if you whine to your brother enough about not having a desk and what am I gonna sit at in three months and where oh where will I store my pencils -- he will take you to IKEA and buy you a beautiful beech and chrome desk and a red pencil cup (with a garbage bin to match!). Now that that's been taken care of you can start bitching about not having a computer.

Why are your posts all over the map?

They're that bad eh? I'm not even drunk.

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 27 minutes

Laundry List: Buy self a surprise puppy. Don't tell self what kind. It's a surprise.

A penny for your thoughts...how much to do my dishes?

2006-08-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

We were just discussing kids and allowance at lunch. One of the guys was asking at what age we started giving our kids an allowance and how much did they get a week? He has a five year old daughter and they're trying to teach her the value of money.

I can't remember when we started giving any of the kids an allowance (I think we started Budgie last year when he was 7, but I doubt we started that early with Zee. It's just that when Budge saw Zee and Bella getting money for chores he wanted to participate too), but I do know what they get now.

Zeenee, age 14 1/2, gets fifteen dollars a week. She does a ton of chores for that money from laundry to dishes every night to keeping her room spic n'span (sometimes...other days -like today- it looks like Al Quada tried to bomb it back to the stone age). She also makes a point of calling me at work and asking if there's anything extra she can do (I know! I'm lucky. I get it). This is usually followed by her requesting to go out somewhere with her friends, but at least she knows that if she offers to do extras she'll probably be rewarded with the permission to go. On these occassions she will usually offer to wash the kitchen floor or clean a bathroom. Zee has also been babysitting for us this summer break. CB has offered to give her extra money for school clothes if she watches the kids and keeps them on some kind of schedule (it helps to keep them off of the computer or from in front of the TV) throughout the day. Like I said in my last post, my mother is home for emergencies (and can we please not talk about that. Again, not ready. Cannot scrub the LOSER tattoo off forehead, no matter how much soap I use), but she doesn't do much more for them than keep them from setting the house on fire, so we're lucky to have Zee there keeping the kids busy. We don't require her to do this everyday because she needs breaks and days off with her friends. Cheap Bastard has a very flexible schedule, so he's able to work evenings sometimes and be there for the kids in the daytime and I still get every second Friday off. (Tangent...you are taking me off course!)

Anabella is ten now and she gets $7.00/week. She's not so great at chores and has to be reminded...A LOT, especially to stop being so pokey. This kid has amazing wheels on the soccer field, but manages to make snails look speedy when she's clearing the table. She hasn't mastered the concept of piling lots of stuff in her hands and taking them all into the kitchen at once. She'll make three trips to put away the ketchup, the salad dressing and the salt! Regardless, she does eventually get her chores done. They include clearing the table and rinsing the dishes after dinner, wiping the tables and counters, putting the "pill" in the dishwasher (dishwasher tab) and keeping her room clean (which for Bella means stuffing everything into drawers, closets, under beds and behind stuffed animals on shelf. Anything for a "clean" look).

Budgie, at eight, earns $5.00 a week for taking out the garbage and recycling everyday, searching for dishes throughout the house after dinner and keeping his room clean.

So, yes. We basically make a utilities payment in allowances every month at Casa D2bH. That's okay though, because every day after dinner I get to sit and relax with my cup of tea whilst my busy bees buzz around me removing the grime. Ahhhh.

I guess the question of the day is: What, if any, do you give your kids for allowance? And at what age did you start giving them one?

Time until I'm back with my family: 2 hours, 31 minutes

Laundry List: Is it still illegal to launder money? Because I have an allowance payment to make on Friday and I'm running a little light in the pocketbook.

P.S. This is the funniest thing I have read all day. Nay, probably all year! As my kids get older they don't say as many hilarious things as they used to...I guess I can live vicariously through other bloggers' youngsters.

Day in the life of this Mom

2006-08-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

Another idea taken from Mary of Mom Writes. She got it from Sheryl of Paper Napkin. I thought it would be interesting to record a typical day for the future...when I've won the lottery and I'm cruising the high seas on my yacht with my family and I want to remember what it was like to be a lowly working Mom. Or you know, something to read in my old age.

5:23 - Alarm goes off for first of many times. The time is really 5:16, but I like to have my clock set seven minutes ahead forcing me to do the math and realize I have more time to sleep than it appears. I'm kind of whacko like that. I also prefer that I press snooze for at least half an hour...again, giving me more time to sleep. I didn't have a very restful sleep. Last night I took the kids to see The Devil Wears Prada. My dreams were filled with Jimmy Choos and pretty handbags and Meryl Streep. My new catchphrase is now "that's all." I will use it at the end of my emails and phone calls instead of goodbye. People will like me even more than they already thought they did. Press snooze every nine minutes until...

6:09 - It's really 6:09 now...the clock says 6:16 and it's time for me to get up. I slip a sweater over my pajama pants and slip into some flip flops. I won't be getting out of the van on this trip, so I don't need to look pretty. Fill and turn on kettle. Drive Cheap Bastard to train station.

6:35 - Return home. Make breakfast of peanut butter and banana sandwich with coffee (instant, one sugar) and record points in tracking book (5 points). I'm totally on the wagon this week. After two weeks off galavanting and camping and lounging and eating my body weight in S'mores, I have amassed an extra 4.8 pounds that I need to lose fast. Prepare and pack lunch. Eat breakfast and read paper.

7:15 - Run around frantically throwing clothes onto my body and hoping they match. Style hair with brush curler (it actually looked good today) and put on makeup. The overall look will have to do. Wonder why kids haven't stirred yet. Budgie is usually bright eyed and bushy tailed at 6:00ish. Must have been the late night at the movies. I don't dare look in on them, especially Budgie. He has a tendency to wake at the slightest noise and he'll jump out of bed before his eyes are fully focussed and stumble around crashing into furniture and walls.

7:39 - Leave house 19 minutes late. Pray that the traffic gods are on my side. Leave kids sleeping soundly. My Mom is in the house (yes, we still live with my parents. Can we please not have this conversation today. I don't feel like jumping from the nearest bridge right now), but we have put Zeenee in charge of the kids for most days of the summer holidays. We pay her extra allowance and she plans activities and meals for them for the whole day. She's really quite good at it as she's prepared charts and schedules and everything. She'll make a fantastic mom some day. I hope she has the opportunity to stay at home with them though if she wishes.

8:00 - The traffic gods answered my prayers and I arrive at my desk right on time. I'll have to get myself back on schedule in September when everyone returns from holidays and kids go back to school. The roads almost triple in traffic and then it'll be back to being stuck bumper to bumper for 40 minutes or more each morning.

8:03 - Organize work. Monday and Tuesday are exclusively payroll days, so I put everything referring to other jobs away. One of my bosses stops by my desk. He has just come back from Hawaii and has brought everyone presents! I have a choice between a fancy chocolate bar or a dirty pen. Due to my diet and perverted mind I choose the pen. Tip pen upside down and the guys gonchies disappear. Tip pen upright and the gonchies reappear. Tip. Penis. Woohoo. Tip. Penis. Woohoo. Repeat ad nauseum. Finally settle into work, sneaking peeks intermittantly at the pen and my blog list. Read Mir, Yvonne and this fantastic post by Mary (exactly the issues that I've been thinking about this blogging thing lately, but written so much better than I ever could have expressed. I try to compose a comment, but everything I write falls flat. Maybe she'll know how I feel if I send the thoughts psychically).

10:29 - Go to kitchen to make a tea and get a snack to stop the shakes I'm having. My blood suger is on overdrive. Back to payroll.

12:05 - Have lunch (soup, cantelope and water). Discuss cancer, peeing in pools and the dark side of buffet restaurants with colleagues. We're a wicked fun bunch.

1:20 - Holy Mother I have to pee right now! Three glasses of water at lunch have caught up with me. Run to bathroom only to find it occupied. Hop around hallway cursing under my breath until occupier abandons her post. Ahhhhhhhhh.

2:04 - Zeenee calls to ask me to pick her up some Midol after work. She's mad at me. The other day she was all whiney and clingy and I predicted that her peiod would be coming in the next couple of days. She says she hates it when I'm right.

3:11 - Attach safety notes to all the guy's pay statements. Read about how forced air can blow an eyeball out of its socket and how "air that enters the body opening can burst internal organs and cause slow, agonizing death." Squig out a little.

4:00 - Leave work on the dot of four. I'm nothing if not punctual! When I get out to my van I notice that I'm still wearing my green rubber finger for leafing through paper. When I'm at work it's attached to me like an extra appendage. Add it to the growing collection in my cup holder.

4:11 - Stop at Safeway for Midol, tortilla chips, Jello Cheesecake cups and Nutri Grain Granola packs. $17.87...I get away for under twenty bucks. Score!

4:24 - Arrive home. Budgie greets me at the door and Zeenee pounces seconds later looking for her pain relief. Cramps are a bitch. Budgie claims that Zeenee tried to starve him today by making him eat only fruit and Zoodles. Then. Then! She made him do exercises on the trampoline. Appease him by offering a cheese string. Mission accomplished for now. Watch the last half hour of Oprah.

5:05 - Cook dinner. Burritos. Listen to Zeenee whine "burritos agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain!" Keep cooking. Record points in tracker.

5:30 - Eat dinner out on deck then relax with tea while the kids do cleanup. A couple of weeks ago we had some guests over and they commented how well organized we had the kids with their after dinner chores. They know how to earn an honest week's allowance.

6:20 - Take Anabella to soccer practice. She made the select team, so she has practice throughout the summer on Monday and Thursday nights.

6:30 - Sit in the sun on the field, update notes (for this post) and start reading Away by Jan Urquhart. It's a bit of a tough read, but I'm captured by page five. Practice is over early as the coach gets stuck at work and one of the Dad's has to fill in for drills.

7:30 - Sit down at computer to bang out this post. Sneak a peek at True Wife Confessions, then get to typing. It takes forever.

8:28 - Cheap Bastard has asked the two youngers to get into their pyjamas and brush their teeth. They can be heard goofing around in the bathroom, so he sends me in to play bad cop. Take the exercise ball away from Budgie and coax him into brushing his teeth. Tuck them both in with many kisses and licking of noses and general silliness. Walk out of each of their rooms while calling out the same message. "Love you. See you in the a.m. not the p.m! That's all."

8:54 - Finish typing this novel and post to Blogger. Off for a bedtime snack and then a shower. Lights out at 10:30ish. Lather, rinse, repeat tomorrow. Goodnight!

...that's all.

Did you disappear? I haven't seen a post in awhile here!

2006-08-08T20:22:00.000-07:00

Why? Why does cat urine have to smell so incredibly bad? And why? Why would Vicky use that as an opener to a post?

Because I've just spent twenty minutes on my knees soaking up cat pee with a full roll of paper towels and cursing like a sailor at that Tabby fiend! Don't ask me how she manages to pee UNDER the cat box and not IN IT. What do I look like... Houdini? I know why she did it though. She's a bitch. She's spiteful and sneaky and cranky and horrid...and she's mad at us for daring to leave her for five days, then come home on the Thursday and leave her again after an hour for another three days. It's just me and her in the house this week and I have poured on the love. Poured it on...but she still feels the need to stab me in the back and make my house smell like a meth lab on a hot day. She's lucky I haven't sewn the end of her tail to her ears and used her as a purse! (please do not forward this post to the SPCA. I will refrain from storing my wallet and keys in my feline. Promise)

--------------------------------------------------

So, where have I been for the past twelve or so days? Camping at Cultus Lake in Chilliwack, BC with my brother and his family and some friends of ours.

When we pulled in to register at the provincial park the warden said, "lucky you. You guys get the most coveted site in the park." This sounded like good news and as we drove in we realized why she'd said that.

We scored a double site 50 feet from the lake! We could hear the water lapping the shore in the morning and because that made me want to pee, I was especially grateful to be less than 100 yards from the bathrooms (flush toilets with showers! Much appreciated by Zeenee and her teenager friend she brought along. They only used the showers 45 billion times in the five days we were there...they also brought their straightening irons. Camping! But that's a post for another day).

This is the tent city we constructed in under 11 hours (okay twelve, but we had to stop for refreshment breaks every four and a half minutes...mmmm, beer). The strong nylon walls were in place to protect us from giant, mutant pink, yellow and green snakes as witnessed here. I managed to snap this one basking in the afternoon sun. That's our tent on the left. The teenagers were too cool to sleep with the 'rents, so they had their own tent as far away from us as they could get. Zeenee's friend brought one of those instant pop-up tents and they challenged us to a race putting up the tents. Our multi-pole mansion against insta-tent. We won. Cause their tent was packed on the very bottom of all the stuff in the van. Ha, ha...nyah, nyah! I am 34.

On the Tuesday, we rented a boat and went tubing.

----------------------------

I have to stop here and say how much I am hating Blogger right now. Hate. I am trying to link my pictures from flickr and gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Anyways, the rest of my camping pictures are located here. Question. How do the rest of you link pictures from flickr? Do you use HTML or is there a quick way to link from flickr and have them show up on your blog. Blogger is very unreliable about posting pictures. Until I have the cash to switch to Typepad or Wordpress, I'm stuck here though.

----------------------------

We had a fantastic time camping from Sunday to Thursday. Then, as I said, we came home for about an hour and then drove the kids to the Okanagan to stay with their Granny and Poppa (MIL and FIL). They are staying until Thursday....Cheap Bastard is out of town training on the new machine with my brother in Seattle...

...and I am stuck here by myself with this evil cat. Anybody want to buy a purse?

Time until I'm back with my family: Kids=2 days, Husband=3 days. I am so lonely and tired (and the cat is staring at me. She wants to claw my eyes out, I just know it). There's no-one here to remind me to go to bed and I have been staying up until well past 11:00. Anybody want to come over and eat salt n' vinegar chips with me and watch the first two seasons of Friends? Help me remember when to turn in? Anybody?

*Ha, ha. Anonymous...I just got your note as I was writing this. When am I posting again? Right now baby!

**PPS...thanks everyone for the well wishes on our Anniversary. I got taken out to dinner at Eastside Marios and then we went to see "You, Me and Dupree". I highly recommend it! Ooooh, also? Cheap Bastard, my usually cheap husband who won't buy two-ply toilet paper even if it's on sale for cheaper than the one-ply, wants me to start looking for a ring. With a real diamond! Oh the horror that is my life!

15

2006-07-27T15:58:00.000-07:00

I never needed love

Remember after we first met in grade 11, how we'd sit next to each other on the school bus with our knees touching? We'd share the earphones from your walkman and we'd listen to "When I'm With You" by Sheriff all the way to school. Rewind. Listen again. Rewind. And again.

Like I need you

Remember how you thought my name was Becky for a whole week after you met me? You were afraid to call me by name, because you weren't quite sure if you'd heard me right when I introduced myself. Finally your sister told you that she was sure my name was Vicky and not Becky. You call me Vick. I prefer Vick.

And I never lived for nobody

Remember how you asked me to "go out" with you after that first dance in September 1988? I said, "yeah sure, I guess so." You said something about your poor bruised ego. When you asked the question I was trying to act aloof. I really wanted to climb to the top of the highest roof and scream "yes! I want to be your girlfriend! I am so madly, deeply in love with you I could probably throw my body from this rooftop, if you'd just ask me again! Yes! And yes!

But I live for you

Remember how we'd spend hours and hours driving around in your dad's truck, just talking? Even at 16 years old we had deep, meaningful conversations about our dreams for the future. How we wanted a family some day. How we were going to get married and be together forever. We knew all the way back then. We still have some of our best conversations in the car when we're driving long distances. They're some of my favourite times spent with you.

Ooh babe

Remember standing in the bathroom at your Mom's house staring at that pregnancy test after our trip to Banff? Remember we cried, because we were only 19 and how were we going to do this? I remember feeling that first twinge of happiness too, because at that moment I knew there were now two people in my life to love. I thought you might have felt that way too. After Zeenee was born I knew. You give perfect Dads a bad name. You are the best one.

Lost in love is what I feel

Remember how we struggled financially those first years? We rolled pennies for milk. We worked for ridiculously low wages. We fought a lot. I finished school after Zeenee was born. Then you went to school so you wouldn't have to spend your life working for minimum wage. You worked two jobs AND went to school! How did you live through that? How were you able to be such a good husband and father back then? You were. Things are so much better now, but I'll never forget how hard you worked for us. I admire you for that.

When I'm with you

Remember July 27th, 1991? I wore an ivory maternity dress and you had a perm! At the Devonian Gardens in Calgary, in front of 50 friends and relatives, we promised to love, honour and cherish each other for evermore. So happy that day. I never thought I could be more madly in love with you than I was then. I am.

Maybe it's the way you touch me
With the warmth of the sun
Maybe it's the way you smile
I come all undone
Ooh babe
Lost in love is what I feel
When I'm with you

Happy 15th Anniversary Sweetie.

Vick

Laugh, Wonder, Weep

2006-07-26T14:38:00.000-07:00

Something that made me laugh today:

A story in the Province Newspaper today. No, actually a small blurb on the sidebar in the Province Newspaper. About a squirrel who broke into (stupid, drunk, vagrant, lawless squirrels these days) a Hydro station and zapped himself on the lines and basically threw Kitsalano into a blackout yesterday for a couple of hours. My favourite line: "The squirrel did not survive." Because, you know, we were all waiting breathlessly to see how things would turn out for THE SQUIRREL! R.I.P. Nutty McNutterson.

Something that made me wonder today:

A bumper sticker on the back of the car in front of me in the Wendy's drive-thru lane. I know. Wendy's again. Seriously, I have no other choice for food around here without crossing the traintracks and risking a noontime, 3 million car train that leaves me waiting in a long traffic jam and uses up my lunch hour for the next six weeks...and I had the salad! The bumper sticker said: "Kids who hunt, trap and fish don't mug little old ladies!" (it was by the BC Wildlife Federation...WTH?) So who paid for that study (It was the Canadian taxpayers again wasn't it Stephen Harper? I'm on to you!)? And how many little old ladies had to lose an eye because they were struck by some kid flailing a fishing pole around in the laboratory as the scientists were studying this freak occurrence in nature? And how do they KNOW that kids who hunt, trap and fish don't mug little old ladies? It's just so completely illogical. How do they equate one thing with the other? It's like saying "Kids who eat tomatoes, carrots and liver sausage don't turn into serial killers." I don't know. Maybe they were trying to be sarcastic...it was put out by the BC Wildlife Federation after all. Aren't they against hunting and trapping? Then again aren't they all for fishing? The whole thing went over my head and I'm kicking myself for not getting out of my car and ripping the stupid phrase from that chick's back window. There, it's gone lady! Now I don't have to ponder the stupidity of it.

Something that's making me weep today:

I'm the only woman in the whole of North America who's not attending the Blogher Conference in California this weekend! Alright, that's a bit of an exageration. My next door neighbour isn't going either (but she's not a blogger. Wah!). Please note, I am going next year. I am going next year. I am going next year! Except I'm probably not because I think I'll be at a week long Guide camp next year at this time. I am so going to Blogher in 2008! Then I can go all stalkerish on Mir (smart, witty and of course, pretty!) and Grace (and oh-my-god-Grace-can-I-please-come-to-Woolfcamp-at-your-house-too-I'll-bring-you-a-present-I-love-your-blaaawg! And of course, pretty!) and Mary (the type of Mom every woman strives to be...beautiful family, well read, put together. And? Pretty!) and I'll woo them all with my brilliant persona (and my ability to eat at Wendy's 7 days a week)...as I chase them down the street with my camera and autograph book. And lo, if they'd only stop screaming. And running. And screaming, I could gush on all the damned day about how much I adore their writing. How they continually amaze me with each post. How I tune in every day to read about their lives. And, there will be others there and more others and other others, who I would be far too shy to maybe even say hello to, let alone run after them through the streets of San Francisco. But their presence alone would make me a better blogger. I know it would. Through osmosis or some such sciencey thing. So, I weep not to get to go this year. Who's with me for 2008? Or 2007 if the opportunity presents? Laura? (we could travel together and be the "BC Blogging Mommies"...or something much less dorky yes?) Anybody? Anyone? Those rumours about me getting violently airsick were purely fabricated...

...by the BC Wildlife Federation...I saw it on a bumper sticker.

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 51 minutes

Laundry List: Well...not my running clothes, I can tell you that much.

Rain and Shine

2006-07-25T11:49:00.000-07:00

I just cleaned my desk by spilling a full coffee cup of water all over it. Nothing like taking such drastic measures to get something done. It is very shiny now and all my pictures have been rearranged under the clear plastic desk blotter. I managed to dive in and save them all from the impending flood before they got soaked. In fact, I rescued my pictures before I went back in for the keyboard. Which is still working, because I'm typing right now...and only getting mild electric shocks from the W and Q keys. No more Wacky or Quality or Water or Quickies for a while. At least the spill saved me from getting overly involved in the work I was attempting to finish. We all need a break sometimes, whether it's to go outside and smoke or drink some coffee or grab some paper towels and clean.

------------------------------

Budgie made my exit from the house this morning much happier than usual:

Me: "Good morning my favourite boy!"

Budgie: "What? I'm your favourite boy? Why?"

Me: "Because you're my only son. That makes you my favourite by default. Plus you're the best guy I ever met."

Budgie: (wiping away a fake tear) "Oh my eye. It has suddenly sprung a leak! I must have something stuck in the ball of it."

Me: "It must be a goof-ball. Give me a hug before I have to go."

Budgie: (runs at me three times with quick hugs) "Hug...and another hug...and once more for good measure."

Me: "No, I want a giant, good quality hug."

Budgie: "How about an angel kiss instead." (I lean over and he gently wipes my face with his hand and softly blows one of his angel kisses on my cheek)

Me: "Why did you wipe my face first?"

Budgie: "I was preparing the surface, so the kiss would stick for most of the day."

...and so I left my van in the driveway and floated to work on a cloud instead.

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 43 minutes

Laundry List: Silver linings

7,777

2006-07-21T10:05:00.000-07:00

Wow. I was just checking a comment on my blog and I noticed that my stats counter was at 7,777!

Today is gonna be good. It's gonna be real good!

Yes. Please Bless America.

2006-07-19T11:34:00.000-07:00

America! You rock! We had such a fabulous time South of the Border last weekend. Seattle is GORGEOUS and I'm moving there. Period. Just as soon as I convince the other four important people in my life to do so too. Cheap Bastard had to agree with the Seattle love. We've come to the conclusion that anywhere along the West Coast must be absolute heaven (CB's been to San Francisco and can't wait to take me there one day), so after the kids move out (ETA 12 years) I want to go south. True, we will probably need a couple of million dollars by then to buy approx. 300 square feet of living space, but really who cares? You guys have Tivo! And outlet stores! And these really cool shaped oval tissue boxes that I just had to buy some of, because they were OVAL and ours are not and because they had metallic hippie-esque designs on them and ours do not. Yes, I bought two at Safeway on a whim, along with a travel Boggle game (cause we were travelling and yeah...because it was by the OVAL tissue boxes) and a four-pack of the cutest little bottles of Zinfandel wine. AT THE SAFEWAY! Where people buy food...they have liquor! WEEEEEEE! You Americans are fun. (Also? They have liquor at 7-11. By the Cheetos. Liquor.)

Our trip started on Friday morning with an hour long wait at the border. The U.S. border guard was quite friendly, although she did grill us about our jobs and made us open the van door, because the windows are dark and she couldn't see whether we were indeed transporting our three children or endangered species from the Canadian Tundra. It's so funny how thorough the US border is compared to coming home to Canada. The US border guard checked out all of our birth certificates and licenses, she asked CB and I about our jobs, she wanted to know the purpose of our visit and, of course, were we transporting any citrus fruit (which HA! Not likely. We cut off all access to citrus fruit the week before, just so none of us even had evidence of it in our bloodstreams. You can never be too careful). The Canadian border however, basically said "Welcome to Canada, eh! Please pass politely through." Damn and I had all my receipts and ID and everything ready to show them. I was sure the Canadian border guard would be impressed with my many purchases. Most especially the OVAL tissue boxes.

After the border we stopped for lunch in Bellingham where I was chastised by my teenager for ordering my sub on "brown" bread instead of "wheat" ("they don't say brown bread here Mom." *eyeroll* "They looked at you funny.") Then we were off to the outlet stores at Tulalip. Oh. Sweet. Lord. It was Nirvana. Zeenee bought Nike Shox that would cost us $170 at home for $59.99US. Bella got brown Converse runners and an outfit to match from Gap. Budgie bought a cap from Adidas and a green shirt (because it's all "go green or go home" with him lately. EVERYTHING must be green, his favourite colour). Cheap Bastard got...oh, probably something. And I got clothes from Layne Bryant, three new pairs of shoes and a new handbag and wallet. No, the handbag wasn't from Coach. I did go in (twice) and drool, but although I had the money to get something, I just couldn't bring myself to spend that much on a bag...I. JUST. COULDN'T. Oh the humanity. I got a beautiful black leather bag from Wilson's Leather and a wallet to match. I think it looks very chic, so I'm happy. Maybe I'll go the Coach route one day. One day when I maybe have three hundred bucks just sitting around doing nothing. Maybe.

Saturday we headed to the Woodlands Zoo in Seattle. Indeed, the most impressive zoo I have ever been to. The animals had giant, lovely habitats and were they ever animated. The grizzly bears were bounding about when we got there...and swimming! They have their own, fully stocked salmon stream where they can just reach in for a snack whenever the need arises. The baboons were swinging (although there was that poor hobo baboon we saw sleeping under a cardboard box apart from the other more affluent baboons), the apes were playing...hell, even the Kimodo Dragon moved a toe for us.

Budgie and Bella insisted that they needed their own cameras for the trip, so we had purchased disposable cameras for them with 27 pictures each. We went to see the grizzly bear exhibit first. And Budgie had used up all 27 pictures by the time we left the grizzly bear exhibit. And I just know there's gonna be a crisis when we get those pictures developed because the boy must have thought he was Austin Powers with that camera. "Yeah baby! Work with me baby! You're a tiger. No, you're a grizzly bear. Look at me. I'm not even shooting you. I'm not even pointing the camera at you. I'm just that good!" Budge would launch himself at the window with his camera at the ready and run, run, run, shoot. He didn't even plant his feet and stop before he would....CLICK! Oy, we're going to have many shots of brown blur and one sulky eight year old on our hands when those prints are developed. I'm so not looking forward to that. But the Seattle Zoo? Highly recommended. Just go there. You can thank me later.

Sunday found us downtown at the Space Needle, where the children assisted the City of Seattle by "supporting" their most recognizable attraction:

"Raise your hands if you're Sure."

"Daaaad! I, like, can't believe you made me get up here. Just, like, take the picture already. People are so looking at me. Like, grrrrr."

"Look at me baby! I'm a tiger. No, I'm a grizzy bear. Look at me. I'm not even hanging onto this thing. I'm that good!"

We didn't go up the tower, partly because the kids arms were tired from all that work and partly because Bella would have screeeeeched the entire way up and down. No heights for her please. Instead, we decided to go to Pike's Market via Monorail. That would be easy we thought. There were signs everywhere screaming Monorail! Monorail! Three dollars for the Monorail! Come ride the Monorail! (is that Simpsons episode running through your head right now? It was through ours.) So we head up to the monorail. Past the surreys for rent. Monorail! This way to Monorail! Up the walkway. Monorail! Up to the platform. Monorail! To a sign that said: "Monorail! This Location Coming Soon!" No Monorail!

So we walked the eleventy billion blocks from the Space Needle to the market. And my sister-in-law whined for the eleventy billion blocks to the market. Girl doesn't like to walk. I know from when we lived in North Vancouver and decided to start walking every night. The first night we started out on our program and the sidewalk dared to go five degrees uphill. She saw the slight ascent and quit right then and went home. Girl. Does. Not. Walk. And she soon realized that all those blocks we were walking downhill would result in a climb afterwards. And Girl was not happy. And all of us and Seattle heard about it. Thank God for the public transit system that delivered us safely and happily to our car afterwards.

We closed the Tulalip outlet stores down on Sunday and didn't arrive home on Canadian soil until 11:00 that night.

...my OVAL tissue box sits proudly on the back of the toilet in our bathroom. A souvenier and a reminder of how much I want to go back...like, next weekend maybe Cheap Bastard?

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 41 minutes

Laundry List: Still working through the many suitcases of clothes that I'm convinced are having babies whilst I'm at work this week. Plus the cat was mad at us for having the audacity to leave her at home for the weekend (she had a sitter. She got fed)...so she threw up on our bed. Obviously, that was my first trip to the washing machine as soon as we got home.

One of the things that makes me gag, back here behind my cubicle wall:

2006-07-13T14:36:00.000-07:00

Co-worker on phone:

"Hi Baby. It's 2:15 Baby, don't you think it's time you got out of bed? Well, that's why I left you 10 bucks, so you could get yourself something to eat. Oh BeeeehBeeee, I know you're a tired little guy but Mommy wants you to get up now and do some stuff. Okay, I love you too. You go out and get yourself some food and I'll see you in a couple of hours Baby."

Baby is a SEVENTEEN year-old male...her son! (No word of a lie. I just type that conversation verbatim. A daily occurrence around here...*shudder*).

...did you just do a little dry heaving too? Blech...

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 55 minutes

Laundry List: This t-shirt I'm wearing is covered in invisible vomit...

Our Customers Will Line Up For The Bling

2006-07-12T22:16:00.000-07:00

My brother Ivan first discovered he had Diabetes by fainting in front of a customer while showing him around the machine shop. When he came back from the doctor's office that same day, my Dad had made a masking tape outline of Ivan's body on the floor of the shop exactly where he'd fallen, just like they do on TV at the scene of a murder. I tell you this to illustrate where I got my stupid sense of humour. My father is the culprit. He raised us on funny.

Ivan is psyched about this new Waterjet machine we're getting at the shop (the first of three giant pieces was delivered today...ETA on setup - two weeks). Whatever you need, he is convinced that his new toy will be able to make it. And his new toy will make it bigger and better and prettier and more unique than you could ever conceive it to be. We need a sign for the new shop. "You wait until my Waterjet gets here. I'll make us a sign. Customers will rave about our sign. They'll be lining up to get a sign like our sign!" The carpet in the new office is kind of grubby. "We don't need new carpet. I'm gonna put ceramic tile in this office. And I'm gonna cut our logo out of tile on my new Waterjet. Customers will rave about our tiles. They'll be lining up to get tiles cut like our tiles!" He has so many plans for this new machine that I'm getting the feeling that our customers will be lining up for a very long time...to wait for their turn. He has a lot of plans to make stuff on his new machine that will not generate INCOME. Therefore, I was not surprised that the following conversation transpired the way it did the other night:

Vicky: Ivan, we need a wedge to keep that door open from the office to the shop. Could you cut me a piece of wood to shove under the door?

Ivan: "Pffft! I'm not cutting you a wedge out of wood. That's lame! When my Waterjet gets here I'm gonna cut you a beautiful door stop out of TITANIUM! It's gonna be so awesome...I'll even put a butterfly on the end of it. It'll be all etched out of the TITANIUM and, man, that will be sooooo cool. Customers will rave about our door wedge. They'll be lining up to get a door wedge like our door wedge!"

Vicky: Uhm yeah. You don't think you're taking all this Waterjet stuff a little far do you? Please, if you could just cut me a wedge out of WOOD I would appreciate it."

I then proceeded to bug him about the wedge for the rest of the evening, bringing it up in various conversations and cackling like the bitchy, older sister that I am. I would not let it go and it got to where you just knew that he was wishing he'd never said a word and just silently obeyed and cut the damned piece of wood like I asked.

So, he turned 32 today and this is what I made him for his birthday:

I got my Dad to cut me a piece of WOOD...out of WOOD...not TITANIUM and I painted it blue.

Then I made sure to add lots of bling...

And of course, a butterfly on the end...

Eek! Who are those young people getting married in that picture behind the wedge? And what is she wearing? Is that a maternity wedding dress? For shame, for shame. And what is on that guy's head? Does he have a perm? For shame, for shame.

In Pursuit of the Promised Land

2006-07-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

We are heading down to the lovely United States for the weekend, where the shopping flows like milk and honey...and the wallets are emptied faster than the canteen of a wanderer lost in the desert. And the Canadian dollar is almost at par with the U.S. dollar right now, so CHA-CHING! We're leaving Friday morning at 9:00, so my Mastercard should implode sometime around noon. Zeenee can't wait, as she's been in need of some summer clothes since mid-June and we've kept telling her to wait until we go to Seattle because we'll get better deals there. Budgie and Bella made $25.00 each at our yard sale last weekend selling their toys, so they're already scheming about the booty they plan to buy with their windfall.

And can you say OUTLET STORES? Yeah, we don't have many of those up here and the ones that we do have are lame. Zee and I went online the other night and found an outlet MALL in Tulalip with...wait for it...100 stores! A. Hundred. Stores! Zeenee's best friend went down two weeks ago and bought Nike Shox for $49.00 at the Nike outlet store, so Zee is pretty pumped about going there. She also wants to get some Holister gear and look at some Converse shoes.

Me? I would like to plant myself in the Coach outlet store for the entire day, where I will stroke and pet all the various handbags and mutter sweet nothings into their zipper tags. Zeenee swears they're going to have to drag me out of there kicking and screaming, clutching a handbag and screaming "just five more minutes! I just want to HOOOOOLLLLDDD it for five more minutes!" She thinks they might resort to giving me the bag for free, just to get me to leave the store. So, I'll be giving that tactic a fair shot. It's ridiculous really. I had never even heard of Coach until I started reading Amalah about six months ago and now Amy has turned me into a raving "lilac-demi-D-ring-buttersoftleather-comes-with-dustbag-for-storage" maniac. I'm on ebay at least once a week drooling over the selections and wishing I could be the sole bidder on one of my favourites and score it for 20 bucks (Dreamer!). So yes, it's all HER fault for having an interesting blog that probably sends subliminal messages for the Coach corporation directly into a reader's brain...by osmosis or some such thing. I may have to sue Amy for damages to my mental state. Then I could use the money to buy some Coach bags.

Anyways, so that's what we're doing this weekend. Shopping!

...oh, and we're going to the zoo in Seattle on Saturday. But really, who wants to discuss a bunch of smelly animals...when there's shopping! And also? Who wants to spend five hours at the zoo on a Saturday when one could be shopping? Me, that's who. Cause I will be there for my children's enjoyment...to see their adorable hazel/brown eyes light up as the lions and tigers and bears (oh my!) frolic in the summer sun (and I will keep telling myself that all day Saturday as the elephant manure fills my nostrils with pure joy!). Sunday will find us....shopping. And heading home sometime after midnight when the shops are closed (if we were to have it my way)...or knowing Cheap Bastard, sometime before dawn when the shops are still closed, thereby preventing me from spending the remainder of our mortgage, food and utilities money for the coming month (the kids, however, will probably have to find their own money for college after this weekend).

Memo to self: take birth certificates, marriage license, citizenship papers, last will and testament, drivers licenses, blood and urine samples, DNA records, tax returns for the last 7 years and passports out of files at home. Need to safely cross border...

...also, remove all citrus fruit from van to prevent body cavity search and seizure of assets. Those border guards must be allergic or anti-citrus fruit or something...

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 11 minutes

Laundry List: launder just enough clothes to get us down to Tulalip, where we will buy new wardrobes for all!!! (Cheap Bastard doesn't read here, but I'm willing to bet he just had a mysterious icy chill run through his entire body as I typed that last sentence...MWA-HA-HA!)

Five

2006-07-11T10:30:00.000-07:00

Found this meme (Which? Can you tell I love doing them? Cause I do) over at Mary Tsao's blog, Mom Writes, a daily favourite. You should read over at Mary's place. Go ahead. I'll take my break, get myself a coffee and wait for you back here. Oh, you're back? She's good eh? I totally agree.

Five things in my closet:

Clothes

Gift wrapping supplies

Exercise ball (that is sooo fat, it won't even go through the door of our storage room...the closet is the only place it fits! It also doesn't come out of hiding a lot...hrmph)

Purses and bags

Deodorant, baby powder and perfume on shelf

Five things in my refrigerator:

2 gallons of milk (that will be gone in about 3 days...my family loves the moo)

Cut up pineapple, cantelope and strawberries (good for the WW diet)

Chocolate frosting from Budgie's birthday. Which was February 18th. Which my husband recently removed from the fridge and asked "how old is this frosting?" Then he put it back.

Diet 7-up

Cheddar, parmesan and mozza cheese. Cheese strings, cream cheese. The D2bH family is all about the dairy!

Five things in my ~~car~~ van:

Sunglasses

Empty juice boxes

Altoids Cinnamon Mints

Folding chair for the Soccer Mom

A "mystery box" on the back seat that Cheap Bastard must have put there last night after work. I got in the van this morning and wondered "what's in the box?" Then I pulled out of my driveway and prompty forgot about it until now. I wonder what's in that box?

Five things in my purse:

Wallet with $1.16 in it.

Keys on carribeaner (I use the carribeaner to clip my purse to the shopping cart at the grocery store, thereby making it difficult for a purse snatcher to run away with my $1.16. Just a little tip for my fellow shoppers.)

Wet Ones. I have children. Therefore I have wet-naps.

Five mints from Boston Pizza.

Weight Watchers personal weight record.

I tag:

Womanmoose. Girl, if you don't have the prettiest blog in the whole b'sphere! It's be-u-TEE-ful!

LaLa's World.

Heather

Laura

You!!!

Time until I'm back with my family: 6 hours, 1 minute

Laundry List: It's summer break and Zeenee has taken on most of the laundry. See, teenagers can be useful!

(What? Oh, you were expecting a real post? Maybe those pictures I promised. Yeah, maybe later today...or next week...or...is two years from Tuesday okay?)

Brother? brother? and Exclamation Points!!!

2006-06-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

My Dad and my brother Ivan (why does Dad get a capital, but not brother? Is this my error or Webster's?) have owned and operated a small machine shop in our town for the past five years. They are the only employees and it has provided a nice income for them as the years progressed and their name got around. Don't get me wrong, they have spent countless hours, especially in the first years, figuring out whether they could afford to stay open for another month, but in the last two or so years things have come together nicely and the cash flow has been there. They are both Journeyman Machinists and they make small parts for various machines on two CNC machines (don't ask me what CNC is...they are run by computers...don't ask me what computers are either, because how are you even here?) and on a few other more traditional milling machines.

In the past I have assisted in various secretarial tasks in my spare time (read: nights and weekends) such as printing business cards and writing a few PowerPoint presentations and a little bit of accounting stuff. They do all the other office/accounting tasks necessary and up to this point have never had a need for a full-time office assistant.

You can now see where this is leading can't you? You're starting to see where that "revelation of good things to come" that I promised you here is going now right? Yesiree Bob that is the news!

The company has recently purchased a "new-fangled-giant-hunk-of-metal-machine-that-cuts-anything-and-I-mean-ANY-type-of-material-except-maybe-diamonds-but-I'm-not-sure-on-that-point-with-just-a-stream-of-water" (hereafter referred to as a waterjet machine for the non-technical among us). It is so big and is going to make the company so much extra money (not a lot more really, but my brother is dreaming of boats...and I am imagining we'll have the purchasing power to buy three-ply toilet paper...can you imagine that? I mean three layers of pillowy softness? Miraculous!) that Dad and brother have abandoned their small, dark, ugly shop for bigger, greener pastures and are moving into a GIANT shop one town over with a real office! With a professional looking frontage! That clients can visit! And use the bathroom! Cause it's not all gross like the other one!

And did you read that part about the office? That's gonna be mine! And did you read that part about the company? They're cutting me in! I'm gonna be a real-life-part-business owner!

I know most of you aren't in the administrative field, but this? This is a Secretary's dream. Creating and running her own office...HER WAY! She buys the furniture and supplies (post-its! In every colour and shape available!). She creates the procedures. Simply put, I'm going to be in Administrator's Heaven!

I won't be starting full-time right away. They get the waterjet at the end of July and then of course they need to get it into operation and start making a profit from the work. My brother wants me in place ASAP, but reality dictates that it will be sometime before Christmas. I don't care! I'm getting the hell out of here! I'm getting my own office for Christmas! I'm practically puking exclamation points here!

The best part is I'll finally get to work somewhere where I really CARE about where the company is heading...heck, my (and my family's) future will depend on it. No, the best part is I'll get to wear jeans and running shoes (steel-toed probably) to the office every day...leaving me with a healthy budget for pretty weekend clothes. No, the best, best, bestest part is my Dad has already said he'll be extremely flexible with my hours to allow me to attend field trips, assemblies, etc. with my kids (he kinda has a stake in their well-being...they being his grandchildren and all)...he has no problem with me doing parts of my job from home.

We're in the process of moving into the new shop this week. Cheap Bastard has worked tirelessly every night with Ivan moving all they can with the pickup truck and then special movers are coming in today to move the bigger machines. On the weekend we bought a desk for their office (Ivan and Dad's...no desk for me yet. My reception area is bare! I'm a little sulky about it, but I'll get over it), a watercooler (cause every office needs one you know...it's the wave of the future. Clear water. You should try it) and a couple of cheap reception chairs. I went in last night and took lots of pictures, but didn't get them downloaded to flickr yet...I'll post them when I do.

Lots more to tell as things progress.

...and now I must take leave of this post and seek out a Catholic Church where I can repent for the grossest use ever of exclamation points and dot dot dots in a post. Forgive me Father for I have sinned!!!

Time until I'm back with my family: 2 hours, 32 minutes

Laundry List: Jeans...remove rosary from pocket first!!!

Never "Deep Six" the MeMe

2006-06-27T12:32:00.000-07:00

A quick and fun MeMe I got from landismom at Bumblebee Sweet Potato...I had a blast answering this one!

1. Choose a band/artist: Matthew Good Band (dis-banded years ago *sob*)

2. Answer each question using the title of a song by that band/artist

3. Are you male or female: Song For The Girl

4. Describe yourself: My Out of Style is Coming Back

5. How do some people feel about you? Every Name is My Name

6. How do you feel about yourself? The Fine Art of Falling Apart

7. Describe your kids: Hello Time Bomb

8. Describe your spouse: Fated

9. Describe where you want to be: Bright End of Nowhere

10. Describe how you live: Haven't Slept in Years

11. Describe how you love: The Inescapable Us

12. What would you ask for if you had just one wish? Fearless

13. Share a few words of Wisdom: Look Happy, It's the End of the World

14. Now say goodbye: The Future is X-Rated

Not HOTT. HOT

2006-06-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the Earth melted. The End.

Still here? Let me explain. No, let me sum up (quote: Inigo Montoya--The Princess Bride). 33! Yesterday's temperatures registered at 33...Celcius. Please, if you live south of the border or north up in Alaska or out in the sea in Hawaii, do not ask me how hot that is in Farenheit. I would end up saying, "it was like, 75 degrees" and you would say, "meh, that's not so hot" and I would say, "sorry, I'm not so good with big numbers and farenheit and other non-metric stuff like that" and you would say, "stupid Canadian!" and I would be like, "well! Now we can't be friends. Please leave my beautiful, sprawling country out of this" (cause we Canadians are all polite and stuff and we'd never swear at you and call you a Yank or a Beyotch or anything...at least not to your face. I'd totally swear at you in my head though...and maybe in my blog) and you would say, "gee, I'm sorry. I'll forgive you your stupidity" and I would be all like, "yaa!" So, yeah, it's better that we stick to Celcius. So 33! Hot!

We drove around town yesterday looking for an outdoor pool that was open, but I guess they don't open until July 1st. So, there goes my plans for taking the kids to the outdoor pool on Friday. I'd be all early and waiting in the parking lot for 24 hours wouldn't be so great...would be stiffling actually.

So? How have you been internet? I would ask my 3 regular readers if they've missed me (MIL, FIL and you!) but they've probably moved on to greener blogging pastures. You can't go without blogging for two weeks and expect to retain your readers...unless you're Dooce or Amalah. Sadly, I am not (cause if I had Amalah's handbag collection it would surely cure my depression...and any other various ailments that may strike my person).

This new payroll job is SUCKING! I have no time to BLOG. I have no time to READ BLOGS. I only have time to WORK. And really, if that's all you have time for in life you might as well just lay down and die.

But...good news! I won't have to endure this suckage for too much longer. I will be saved. Tune in tomorrow (or? The next time I blog. Two days? Two weeks? Only time will tell!) when I'll fill you in on WHY the suckage will be coming to an end.

...until we meet again, my fair internet.

Time until I'm back with my family: 56 minutes

Laundry List: Jeans, casual clothes, maybe some coveralls (this is a clue...we are gonna play Vick's Clues, we are gonna play Vick's Clues...)

June is Bike Month

2006-06-15T11:32:00.000-07:00

So we're driving down Dehnman Street in downtown Vancouver on Saturday afternoon with MIL and FIL on our way to Fatburger. Our stomachs are rumbling cause it's well past lunchtime and we're all thinking YAY FATBURGER...can't wait...can't wait...mmm, I can already taste that Fatburger, hamburgery goodness...drool, drool. I look out the van window and coming towards us are about 100 people on bikes...and the first thing I remember thinking is that's a lot of people wearing beige. What we really saw, and not necessarily what we truly wanted to see, was this:

World Naked Bike Ride 2006

The best part was turning around in my seat and watching the kids' faces as these people rolled by. The looks of pure shock were priceless and their eyes were like saucers. You should have heard the giggles when I exclaimed, "now that was a LOT of winkies!"

It was the single most talked about subject of the rest of our weekend. "Did we really see that?" "OMG that was disgusting!" "That was the funniest thing I've ever seen!" Budgie told my Mom that "one lady had breasts that dangled down to her knees and she was shaking them back and forth! It was so gross!"

MIL and FIL couldn't believe what they had seen, but I guess Cheap Bastard and I are jaded. "That's Vancouver for ya," we said. Gay Pride Parade, Wreck Beach, homeless people on every corner, jumpers on the bridges...been there, seen that, read the Coles notes.

...nothing, however, prepares you for the phone call from the teacher saying that your son has now decided to write his class speech about the naked bike riders, instead of that boring museum field trip topic...and do you, Mrs. D2bH, really think that's appropriate?

She's Some Kind of Wonderful

2006-06-15T10:35:00.000-07:00

Today I love my auto insurance broker because in twenty minutes she will be saving my ass from being arrested on the way home from work.

I thought my insurance was valid until tomorrow and we all know ProcrastaMom leaves things until the last. possible. minute. so I was going to stop by tomorrow morning on my day off and pick up my decal. Seems I need some remedial reading instruction, because as I was perusing my reminder letter this morning I realized that IT EXPIRED TWO DAYS AGO! (I ask you, do I look good in stripes? Is prison food delicious, yet healthy and organic? Do children of the incarcerated grow up healthy...and organic?)

So I phone up my broker (and sob and wail and beg and plead and offer blood or money or candy) and she says "no problem, I'll just do up the paperwork and DELIVER IT TO YOUR OFFICE IN ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES (!!!)." Which? I guess is a routine thing she does for all her clients. But? Makes me feel special all the same because I will not be eating Salisbury steak and runny mashed potatoes off a steel tray for tonight's dinner (and to the *RCMP I say "ha, ha suckas! Go eat some donuts.").

That, my friends, is service with a capital Q. Is it considered in bad taste to full on smooch your insurance broker? Mmm, yeah. I shall refrain.

*I would just like to express my true admiration and appreciation for the brave men and women who serve the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Please do not arrest me. You don't smell anything like those evil horses you ride and no, those jodhpurs don't make your bums look big at all. A dozen donuts for each of you...my treat...call me...Stephen Harper 1-800-0-CANADA.

Moonwalkin to the Oldies: Tunes To Clean House To

2006-06-08T22:48:00.000-07:00

Scurryfunge: to run around frantically cleaning your home when you know guests will be arriving shortly. (Thank you Slang Teasers, a game I played one summer at the lake. This word has always stuck and I use it often) I'm scurryfunging tonight. Getting ready for the iminant arrival of my MIL and FIL.

I was just listening to my new (to me) FakePod^TM and cleaning. Cheap Bastard just got a Nano with our Air Miles, so he passed down his RCA Mp3 player to me. I was just doing the worm and break-dancing around the kitchen and thought I'd share my songlist with you...my NEW AND IMPROVED songlist (and yes, I'm lame. And yes, my music is lame. Blame it on the eighties and the fact that I always wore my legwarmers too tight):

Styx: Domo Arigato Clean-o the Tub-o

ELO: You Gotta Sweep Fast (sweep fast), Sweet Talkin Woman

Chicago: Scrub Me Now (shut up! I'm old and pathetic and yes I really do have Chicago loaded up on this thing)

Howard Jones: Things Will Only Get Cleaner

Beastie Boys: No Sleep Til Dusted

Chicago:...oh forget it, how many damned Chicago songs did I put on this thing anyways? I. Suck.

Depeche Mode: Mommies are People so how could it be, mommies can clean the house so thoroughly?

Chicago:...seriously? Three in a row? I am literally beating myself with a spatula right now.

Talk Talk (re-recorded by Cheap Bastard): It's my wife. Don't you forget it. It's my wife. She cleans real goooood!

Occupied

2006-06-08T20:33:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to post this since 3:00 this afternoon. I guess the Google Gods decided that Blogger needed to be deep cleaned or something. Maybe their Mother-in-Law is coming for the weekend too? Mine is. And my FIL. Yay! On tap for the weekend: Granville Island, Davie Street, Second Beach, Fat Burgers, Cupcakes and Gelato. My tummy hurts already, but I'm looking forward to it anyways!

So, I got an email from my MIL the other day. Essentially it said:

Why haven't you blogged lately? If you don't blog soon, I'm cutting you out of the will. When I die you will no longer get all of my craft stuff!

Sincerely, MIL

(I'm kidding Mom...No, you didn't write that EXACTLY and I totally want your leather couch)

So I thought to myself, "Self. You should put something on your blog to satisfy the gozillions of people who click over there every day...and are continually saddened to find no new material."

The question is, do I really have anything relevant to say? No. I got nothin. Nada. Zip. So, I guess I'll have to make things up. Or! Or, I could type what I was just thinking about in the bathroom after my head hit the ceiling from fright for the millionth time since I started working here.

To the women I work in this office with (which OMG, you're not actually reading this are you? Cause I really need this job for a few more months and I hope you haven't noticed that I use a fraction of my worktime to blog...a mere pittance really. Ask my MIL) Anyways, could you please refrain from throwing your entire body weight at the locked bathroom door? When I want to check if the john is occupied, I usually quietly approach the door and gingerly jiggle to handle to test its resistance. If I find it locked...I WALK AWAY! I do not take a flying long jump from 10 feet up the hall and aim myself at the door handle. I'm warning you. One day that itty-bitty handle's lock is gonna give and you're gonna find yourself on the other side of that door interupting my alone time. And you're gonna scare the pants off of me. An easy enough feat, seeing as my pants and Fruit of the Looms are already perched around my knees as I sit on the throne. So, let's not do that anymore 'kay? Thanks, I appreciate your compliance.

...and to my boss. Could we please have a dead-bolt installed? I would feel better. Thank you.

Skip, skip, skip to your room (for the rest of your life!)

2006-05-29T15:52:00.000-07:00

This morning at 11:00 I got a frantic call from my Mom. Zeenee's teacher had just called home and told Mom that Zee hadn't showed up for first period. The teacher thought it was odd as she'd seen Zee in the hallway before classes, but she hadn't shown up for Social Studies. Mom was worried because she knew Zeenee NEVER SKIPS CLASS.

Subsequently, I went into a state of panic because ZEENEE NEVER SKIPS CLASS. Never in the fourteen and a half year history of my oldest child has she EVER skipped a class. This is a kid who pushes herself so hard in school that she beats herself up for getting a B+. She wants all A's and if she doesn't get em, she just works harder & harder the following semester until she achieves top marks. SHE HAS NEVER SKIPPED A CLASS.

So now my heart is racing and I'm starting to tear up as my imagination runs away with any sense of reason I may have possessed just five minutes ago. Where is she? Who took her? What's happening to her?

I phone her cell phone. No answer, so I leave a husky-voiced-trying-not-to-burst-into-sobs message. "Zee, where are you? You call me the second you get this message because we just got a call from the school that you were absent for first period and I'm frantically looking for you. Call me! And if you didn't get that the first time, CALL ME!"

Then I phone Cheap Bastard's work. His line is busy (Mom had said she'd phone him for me...but it's now been 2.3567 minutes and I can't wait any longer for some reassurance). I call CB's cell phone. Busy. I call Zeenee's phone again. No answer. I call the school. Get that teacher to call me at work pronto. Then I sit shaking. What do I do? Who do I call next? Should I start driving towards the school?

Then, five enourmous minutes later (seriously, could they make minutes any longer these days?), my Mom calls again to say that they've located her in Art class...second period. She didn't feel like going to Social...so she just didn't. SHE SKIPPED CLASS!

I guess when I tried calling CB at work, he was simultaneously on his work phone and his cell with Zeenee and my Mom. His words of wisdom to Zeenee:

"Didn't I tell you that if you were ever going to skip class not to get caught?"

What a wise old asshat he is! WTF! How about "you are so totally grounded for the rest of your existence for making your mother age 10 years in five minutes." Or, "you better decide what we're having for dinner, because it's to be your very last meal." Not "don't get caught"!!! He thinks we shouldn't be too hard on her tonight because it's her first offence and "we both know how many classes we skipped in high school" (we went to grades 11 & 12 together...rather we never went to grades 11 & 12 together, we were too busy doing other things...together). I don't care if he thinks it's funny or ironic or nothing to worry about. I want to nip it in the bud right now. Does he really want her to turn out like one of us? Are we breeding a whole new race of losers here or are we trying to mould well-rounded kids with good morals?

I guess I'm going to end up saying something "mom-ish" to her like, "you'll never know the extreme emotions I encountered this morning...until you're a mother."

...she's so grounded until she's 30!

"Please respect the privacy of my client, Skippy McSkipperson, as she struggles through the post-trial sentencing."

Time until I'm back with my family: 34 minutes...then I bring out the big guns on that teen-monster!

Laundry List: "Hello, my name is Zeenee. I will be your laundry maid for the next millenium."

Why I'm grateful that some muscles still work well (warning, gross use of exclamation points!)

2006-05-25T11:05:00.000-07:00

...so I'm lying on an excercise mat with a small bouncy ball stuffed under my tailbone. My legs are straight up in the air, stretched out. It's the first time in my life that I've ever been able to keep my legs up in the air for any length of time (quiet! I know my husband would be rude and say differently)...I've never been flexible. This excercise is awesome....every muscle in my back and legs is comfortably stretched and I'm almost experiencing euphoria.

...but, to my disdain, all I can think about is the air that is trying to escape from my bum. And oh my hell no, please don't let me rip a giant fart in this tiny studio with all these strange women about. The relaxation music playing in the background could never hope to muffle the sound. Damn you spaghetti and meatballs that I ate for dinner! Damn your meatbally goodness! Lord give me the power to suck this in for the next ten minutes...cause I just cannot make this foul of an impression for my first Step/Muscle/Power class.

I managed to keep it in (thank you!). That was me at the Rec Centre last night. My new friend Natalie, from Weight Watchers, convinced me to give a class a try and I actually loved it. Granted, I jumped around like an orangatang trying to keep up with the step part, but I eventually mastered the Charlston (I may have been doing that part when everyone else was doing the jump-shot, but so what? I ACED the Charlston step!). I think I'll get better and more in step (ha! pun!) with each class if I continue to go. We also used a body bar, which is just a weighted bar that you do arm curls and lifts with (which yay! I didn't drop it or anything!). Then at the end we did lots of abdominal exercises using a small ball (looked like a little kids bouncy ball...mine had stars...pretty!). And that's when I felt the urge to expell dangerous gasses. Oy!

Afterwards we went out to the track across the road and ran/walked a couple of laps (where, as if you really wanted to know, I was able to privately expell the noxious air). I feel great today (ask me again tomorrow though. When I can't walk from my front door to the car). The best part was the instructor was fabulous...she's the same shape/weight as I am, so I didn't feel intimidated or anything. She was totally friendly and personable and I wanted to take her home (Please Mom! I promise to feed her and walk her everyday!).

She also teaches beginner spinning classes and I've always wanted to try that. At my regular gym spinning is an extra cost and you have to arrive three days early to reserve a bike...and the lady teaching there is a YELLER...she scares me. New instructor promised that she doesn't yell or expect great (good/average/well below normal) things...and that she will pick me up off the floor if I fall off the bike (which is likely, considering the student). Yay!

Friday night. Spinning 101. No gas inducing foods for dinner.

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 23 minutes

Laundry List: Sports bra that gives me the lovely "uni-boob" look. Other non-flattering gym clothes.

2nd Annual Bloggers Poker Tourney

2006-05-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 7330476

120 Months, 5 hours, 33 minutes

2006-05-23T21:02:00.000-07:00

Ten years ago today, at exactly 4:06 pm, I became the mother of two little girls. Before this, I was simply the mother of one...one sweet 4 1/2 year old cherub, who up to this point, had been the only grandchild on either side of the family. So spoiled was she, that princesses from small countries sent their servants to steal her secrets...but alas, they never did acquire them (for she is just as spoiled today as ever).

Arriving at the hospital early that Thursday morning and scheduled to be induced (Miss 13 Days Late, thank you very much!), we had no idea if our family would be joined by a male version of our species or a female version. The doctor broke my water around 9:00 a.m. and the contractions started coming just after lunch. To pass the time and speed up the process, Cheap Bastard and I paced the hallways of Rockyview Hospital in Calgary dreaming up new and creative names for our charge. We already knew that a son would be called Budgie (thanks to Uncle Budgie in Quebec, Cheap Bastard's best friend), for we had had that name picked for a boy before Zeenee was born. We had also picked out a suitable and unusual name for a girl. Unusual because it is a name commonly used for a boy...although a famous actress is blessed with the same moniker. We just went through the motions of suggesting outlandish titles to pass the time (and the contractions. Oh, stop a minute, that one was a doozie...yowza!) Names ranged from Hamilton to MacKenzie to Homer for a boy to Alexei to Suburbia to Boston for a girl...and back to Budgie or Anabella for keepers. Whichever kind we got, we had a name ready.

Anabella Madison D2bH was born at 4:06 p.m. on May 23rd, 1996 weighing 7 lbs. 9 oz. My Mom had the priviledge of being in the room with us to see the birth and she got to cut the umbilical cord of her second grandaughter...a story she will tell to anyone who will listen...still to this day...just ask the cashier at Safeway!
(I can't get into CB's computer to get some better pictures cause he reformatted his computer this weekend and can't seem to get the damned thing up and running again...and the vulgarities escaping from his mouth are making me blush...oh my, I've never even heard THAT ONE before!)

Ten years ago already! How did that happen?

Because she was born on a long weekend (Victoria Day...all my kids were born on long weekends), we usually have her birthday parties the weekend before or the weekend after. Saturday we have scheduled a party at the local horse riding stables. Me and horses? Don't get along so good. They are evil and smelly. I. Am not. (okay, I kind of am...but I do shower more than most horses)

So...now I am in possession of a teen and a TWEEN...and a soon to be tween! Correction, they are in possession of me...

...and really, I'm lovin every minute of it!

(help me!)

Because I'm all about stomping on the last remaining particles of my minute self-esteem

2006-05-20T16:58:00.000-07:00

Go here. Try this out for yourself.

Then you can also get an ~~accurate~~ picture of what you really look like on the beach, wearing a swimsuit...on a REALLY GOOD hair day...and your skin is glowing and perfectly tinted...

...but as for the rest of you, you want to run and hide under a very large beach towel, so you can read a sleazy romance novel while sipping on a Coke and scarfing down Doritos!

(or is it just me that does that?)

Envy Me...I am an HTML GENIUS!!!

2006-05-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

LOOK!!! You are now reading this post from the top of the page! You are no longer forced to scroll down to the dungeons of D2bH...only to find out that, no she hasn't posted anything new lately.

LOOK!! On the sidebar! I now live in British Columbia.
Not British -space-space-space-space- Columbia.

Even though I am now an official "HTML Genius" (I just ordered the t-shirt!), I thought it tacky to run around the office in a victory lap, pumping my fists in the air...Rocky theme song playing loudly in the background. Da na na. Da na na. Na na na, na na na. Da na na na na na. NA, NA!!

...so I did it back here behind my cubicle walls!

I...

2006-05-18T12:41:00.000-07:00

Stolen from Miss Zoot (designer of beautiful blog templates...example: mine) who stole it from Pam who took it from Amber...and I told two friends and she told two friends and so on and so on...

I AM: mind-numbingly tired this week.

I SAID: I would be a Guide Leader again in the fall, but now I'm having second thoughts. Not sure if I love it all that much anymore. I need to really think on this.

I WANT: a lilac purple Coach handbag I saw on ebay yesterday (this one is similar). Damn you Amalah - Queen of handbags - for bringing to my attention such outlandish luxuries! If I even had the $348 U.S. dollars to spend on such a beautiful thing, my husband would taunt and laugh at me EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY for the rest of my life...for spending that kind of money...on a purse!

I WISH: I had $348 US dollars...(I could live with the constant torment from Cheap Bastard)

I HATE: cauliflower...and all of his vile friends...brocolli, wax beans, brussel sprouts...I have tried to eat it, but...shudder

I MISS: this really good friend Cheap Bastard and I had in Calgary. We spent a lot of time with him through high school and afterwards...but just before we moved to BC he stopped talking to us...and we've never been sure why. (Shane Jordan...if you're ever Googling your own name and run accross this...Vicky & Richard miss you very much. We thought about calling last year when we were in town, but feared the rejection. If you feel like it, email us: procrastamom AT gmail DOT com)

I FEAR: this the most.

I HEAR: the same set of songs on this radio station at work every day...would it kill them to mix it up a little?

I WONDER: what we should do this weekend? Zeenee is going to Whistler with her best friend's family. We're not going camping...we may never go again on the May Long Weekend. I want to go on a hike or a picnic...maybe find a new waterfall that we've never explored.

I REGRET: not finishing my college diploma program. If I'd finished it I'd most likely be working as a Legal Secretary in a senior position by now. Instead, I've always been afraid to even apply for any position with a law firm. It's a vicious circle...I don't have experience, so I won't get the job...I won't get the experience, cause I don't have the job.

I AM NOT: liking this new payroll job (the commies won. Thusly I was forced into this role against my will. Damn you commies!). It's boring and tedious and there's nothing for me to do in between. Therefore, I do here-to-fore and there-to-when proclaim that I will take no responsibility for the indecent amount of blog-surfing I am doing here at work! Take that commies!

I DANCE: in the kitchen to make my children laugh. I do an over the top version of the dying swan...complete with 9 or 10 separate and excessive death scenes! Did you know swans can die from being impaled by a spatula disguised under an oven mitt?

I SING: loudly in the car on the way to work. But I stop and try to look normal if I catch somebody looking at me.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: happy about having to go to work. Ha, ha! I crack me up. I'm NEVER happy about having to go to work.

I MADE: myself my fourth cup of tea for the day...and it's only 11:30.

I WRITE: blog posts in my head, especially when I'm in the bathroom and I have nothing better to think about (thank you Vicky, now we're all wretching just a little from the pictures you have just implanted in our heads)...but by the time I sit down to write them, that prose has flown the coop that is my brain and you get some badly written abridged version or no post at all.

I CONFUSE: my kids names all the time, especially when I'm yelling at them. I usually get frustrated and it comes out like this: "Budgie, no Zeenee, I mean Bella! Whatever-the-hell your name is, get over here!"

I NEED: new bras. On one of my bras the underwire broke in half and that piece of wire fell out...now when I walk around I have one perky boob and one squishy flat boob. I have exactly one bra that keeps me perky on both sides.

I SHOULD: be thinking about how to get $50 for new bras instead of how to get $348 for a purse.

I START: too many things that I know I won't finish.

I FINISH: almost nothing.

I BELIEVE: I'm getting really hungry. Yup, that was indeed my tummy rumbling just a second ago.

I KNOW: I should drink more water than I do. It's the hardest part of my diet to conform to.

I CAN: roll my eyes around really fast in their sockets. Sadly, it's my only talent.

I CAN’T: believe how long this list is. I'm going to lunch.

(...and now I'm back)

I SEE: that I don't have too much time left in this workday. And then I have a four-day weekend to look forward to. Score!

I BLOG: infrequently...

I READ: a lot in the summer. I don't find I have time during the rest of the year.

I AM AROUSED BY: ~~hot, muscle-bound, handsome men~~ chocolate.

IT PISSES ME OFF: when someone eats the last piece of chocolate.

I FIND: I'm feeling better and better about my body as the weight comes off.

I LIKE: taking naps on our trampoline.

I LOVE: Cheap Bastard, Zeenee, Bella and Budgie...more than cheese!

Time until I'm back with my family: 3 hours, 9 minutes

Laundry List: perky bra, oven mitt

Missing No Longer

2006-05-18T09:03:00.000-07:00

Thank Goodness she was found alive!

A missing 11-year-old girl from the B.C. Interior community of Armstrong, who police feared yesterday had been abducted, has reportedly been found, and is safely being cared after at a hospital in Vernon, B.C. A man has been arrested in connection with her disappearance, but he has not been charged.

I was so relieved to hear this on the radio this morning when I got to work. As a Mother, nothing strikes fear into me as much as the thought of one of my children going missing. I really believe that there could be no worse fate. It's horrible to say, but I think I would rather know that my child was dead than missing. At least I would know where they were...I wouldn't have to wonder forever...fear that they were constantly being hurt, abused, neglected...

After 15 years, do this child's parents sleep at night? Does the pain ever go away? Does it even subside a little bit? Is there just too much anxiety? Guilt? Remorse? Does that day replay over and over in their minds?

I'm praying now that little Carmen wasn't too badly hurt and traumatized in the past two days. For her and her family, I wish for peace.

My fellow Moms...what do you fear the most?

Look! I am Super. Look! I am Hero.

2006-05-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

Procrasta-Mom is an official Super Hero people! Here. I'll prove it. I got my own trading card! Seriously. People are flocking by the ~~hundreds~~ to aquire one of these rare gems:

I got the idea from Mary Tsao over at Mom Writes (one of my "must reads" every day). She can guide you through the process here. Go over and make your own card now...then we can like, go over by the bike racks at recess and trade.

The blogger who started this (you can find out about her on Mary's blog...too lazy and too "pretending to work" right now to link) is aiming to get 100 Moms to make a trading card by Mother's Day. Well, it's Friday already, so get on over there and help make the dream a reality (Zowee! I should be in marketing. So very original).

Consider this. I am Procrasta-Mom...and I did it a FULL THREE DAYS before the deadline. Score! Winna! I am da best! (thumb and forefinger poised on forehead...l-ooo-ooo-zaa!)

Now, if only Procrasta-Mom could do other things before the deadline. Like, oh, I don't know...get ready for camp on time (it's this weekend. Read, tonight! And are the crafts ready? Kinda. And are my clothes packed? Kinda. And am I leaving at 4:30 as soon as a I get home? Kinda.).

Or buy a birthday present for her nephew (Beans is 2 this weekend. Am taking a trip to Toys R Us at lunchtime...cause I won't be here for the party and Cheap Bastard couldn't shop for it...Oh no, no he couldn't. What to buy a two year old? He had no idea. Anything plastic and shiny I told him...as he gave me the blank stare).

Or, oh, I don't know...do some actual work at her job...

...bah! I've got all day...

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 20 minutes - then off to camp!

Laundry list: I hope I don't accidentally wash my pants with my rare trading card in the pocket...

Did I ever tell you about the time Cheap Bastard almost got into a rumble?

2006-05-11T11:00:00.000-07:00

Okay. Here it is...

Zeenee, Bella and I had been at the track at the private school across from our house running/biking/walking (Zeenee/Bella/Me) and we were waiting to cross the street on our way home.

Bella looks up the street for cars and, pointing, says, "oh look, there's Daddy in the van." We can see him approaching the crosswalk and I know he's gonna do something silly like, oh I don't know, brake really hard and lay on the horn...so we start to cross in front of him and what happens? Yes of course. He speeds up as he's approaching the crosswalk, practically does a brake-stand with our minivan, lays on the horn and starts screaming and shaking his fist.

I get into the act myself (cause our neighbourhood, she is boring and needs a drama) and start screaming (and laughing) and giving him the finger (and laughing) and I shake my fist at him for good measure (and I'm still laughing).

What neither of us notice in our utter madness and stupidity is that a guy on a motorcycle has pulled up behind Cheap Bastard and is taking in the whole act. This guy is decked out...driving a bigass Harley, head to toe leather, topped off with a black, skull-cap helmet. Granted, he doesn't look that unsavoury...just scarier than my minivan driving, Docker-wearing, IT geek husband.

As we finish crossing the road, Biker Guy pulls up beside Cheap Bastard's open window and yells, "hey Buddy, the law around here says that we should stop for pedestrians. Where the hell are you going in such a big hurry?!"

...at which Cheap Bastard jumps out of the van in a vicious rage and clubs Biker Guy with the arm-rest he's just ripped from the seat...

No wait, that last part didn't happen. Actually, Cheap Bastard hurriedly explains that we are, in fact, his wife and kids and we all were just goofing around. The poor Biker Guy starts apologizing left and right to all of us and then drives off all red in the face.

...and I ran home fast, cause I had to pee from all the laughing (I felt really bad for him afterwards. I should have baked him a pie and taken it over to his house...of course tasting that would have just added insult to injury...my baking ain't winning any contests...).

Did I ever tell you that story? No, I never did. Cause it just happened on Monday night.

...but come see me in ten years and I'll say, "did I ever tell you about the time Cheap Bastard almost got into a rumble?"

(Sidenote: I was very excited at the opportunity to be able to use the word "rumble" in a post (even if Cheap Bastard didn't necessarily "escape death by a thread" or anything). S.E. Hinton's "The Outsiders" is my alltime favourite book. As a teenager, I bet I read it over 100 times. Ponyboy and Dally were always getting in rumbles...and with my red hair, I always fancied myself as that book's Cherry...save for the poodle skirts and saddle shoes. I wasn't a Greaser or a Soc, but I wanted to be one!)

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 26 minutes

Laundry list: Wet pants (from the laughing), poodle skirt (Cherry was a Soc)

Warning! Do Not Gamble And Blog...it takes a heck of a long time to finish!

2006-05-07T00:12:00.000-07:00

So, uhm...sorry about my last post. I can really be a whiner when I want to be eh? (That's Canadian if you weren't sure...eh...yeah, we like say it all the time...eh? Except we don't.) I got EIGHT comments out of it so...I'm pretty much set for the next year! (I. am. pathetic...and cheap) Nobody had anything really nasty to say though...I guess I'll have to challenge you harder. Here, how's this? (controversial confessions forthcoming):

I didn't breastfeed any of my children for more than a week each (and none of them have since grown horns...except for Budgie...who thought he was growing some when my brother told him you grow horns when you pick your nose).

I used the "cry-it-out" method to get my children to sleep through the night (they have had no apparent rejection issues...except for the part where they refer to me as Mrs. D2bH)...it worked, but only in Zeenee's case...she slept 12 hours a night from two weeks old...the other two tortured me for years!

I've had all my children vaccinated, I don't believe in the "family bed" (for us...not you), I give my kids candy...and pop (caffeine!), they watch television, I let them use the INTERNET! (will the madness never stop?!!)

There...now you can hate me just a little. Those hateful comments are a-brewing, I can feel it!

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A few of you have commented on my new blog-skin. I LOVE IT!!! It's designed by one of my favouritest (it's a word...I said so!) bloggers, Miss Zoot. She is a mega-talented designer and she actually has a few designs you can download for free...but I'm totally going to use the donate button on her site and give her some moola for this design, because damn it's gorgeous! I was actually going to give her my firstborn, but I couldn't fit Zeenee through the monitor...her shoulders are too wide.

The only problem I'm having is with the main part of the posts being pushed down below the sidebar...is that what you're seeing too? I have tried looking at it on Cheap Bastard's 2000 inch monitor (he gets all the best stuff...*sulk*) and it still looks like that to me. Does anyone know HTML? What part of the template would I look in to change the margins?

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I'm playing poker and blogging at the same time right now...I just took this guy out who looks like Steve Zahn. I feel really bad. I love Steve Zahn :(

Speaking of him, we watched Chicken Little last night with the kids...and laughed our pants off! Steve Zahn played the pig named Runt...h.i.l.a.r.i.o.u.s!! I love kids movies that have as many jokes for the parents as they do for the little ones.

The only thing is my 4 year old nephew, D, calls it "Chicken Noodle"...so, of course I can't see the title of the movie and think anything else other than "there's that movie...Chicken Noodle!"

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Number Four (this post is going everywhere!). I lost TWO MORE POUNDS this week! And soon I will disappear altogether. Okay, that will take a few ~~months~~ years, but I'll get there...then I will change my name to "Invisi-Mom" (and I will finally rule the world! mwah, ha, ha, ha!)

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And finally, I have had to restrain myself from going all "pageant mom" on Bella who is trying out for the select soccer team this weekend. She was asked to come back to the invitation only try-outs today and tomorrow, so we're quite proud of her progress so far. All the parents were instructed by the coaches though to keep our mouths SHUT and not coach our kids from the sidelines whilst they were trying out. Can I just express how truly hard that is? Soccer Moms? Anyone tried this? Anyone?

I am, by nature, a yeller. When I think my daughter is slacking off a little...I yell at her (okay I suggest nicely...in a loud voice) to run! Or get in the play! Or drink some water, you're looking tired! Which I was not permitted to do today.

At last week's tryouts (which were general and not invitation only) I passed a Mom who was spouting some crap to the tune of "I can't believe how everyone here thinks their princess should be on the select team." And I thought, "well you're here, so you obviously think your princess has a chance...just like the rest of us." Funny, I didn't see her or her daughter there today...

...princesses these days!

Boo hoo! Poor little old me...

2006-05-04T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'm really sad about blogging today...a stupid, feeling sorry for my stupid-self sad. Am I sad because I read a heart wrenching post elsewhere? No. Did my blog crash with my year's worth of writing and now I want to jump off the Lion's Gate Bridge 'cause I'm that sad? Nope, didn't happen. Do I just want to actually feel like I'm part of the giant blogosphere's conversation once in a while by getting a decent number of readers per day that actually want to leave me comments? Am I sad about that? Well, embarassing as it is to admit, yes. That's why I'm a little sad about blogging today. And yes, that's quite stupid and self serving and blah de blah, blah blah...but seriously, this is what I'm wallowing in today.

Now I know other bloggers have said that they don't blog for their readers, they blog for themselves. I don't know, maybe 100 page views and 60 comments a day will make you wish for more anonimity (sp? I'm not spell checking this...too sad), especially when some of those comments are hateful, spiteful and judgemental. But in my case, if I wanted to strictly write for myself, I'd just buy myself a nice moleskine notebook and start every entry with "Dear Diary". I've never been a journaler (is that a word?) though...not once in my life have I managed to keep a daily, weekly or even once in a while record of who I am. Until now...until this past year when I discovered blogging. Until I discovered that, for free even, I could press a few buttons and interact with people all over the world. That I could learn about their incredible lives and I could, in turn, share a little about me.

I definately think there's something wrong with my pages. I'm overdoing the keywords or underdoing them or some other such blather that I need to play with and bring under control...because I've been getting 25 people here a day for the last nine months. 25! Whole people! And very few comments.

I'm not egotistical enough to think that I'll ever be in the blogging big leagues. I'm no Amalah (but oh to be that pretty and own all those bags...just for a day...mmmm *drool*)...I'm Vicky. I'm 34. I'm a regular mom. I'm a working mom. I'm a soccer-mom. I'm a (fantastic, just ask my husband...no don't, he'll lie) wife. I have something to say. I have a humourous story for you (I'm also Canadian and put "u's" in words that most Americans don't recognize as the English language. Take that humour, neighbour, favour, labour!). I have something to whine about (you're going "duh, like today maybe?"). I have something to celebrate. I've been at this for almost a year!

I'm truly sad (in more ways than one...have you witnessed my hair today?)...and I'll probably want to hit delete as soon as I post this, but maybe it needs to be said. Maybe there are others who feel like me. Maybe?

So, anyways....(**awkward silence**)

Here. I'll challenge you. Due to my depressing lack of comments and readership, I've never managed to receive a single, solitary nasty comment or hate mail from anyone. So, I challenge you to take me to task about this post. Call me names, tell me I'm a whiner, ridicule me for being self-absorbed, tell me I should be concentrating on world peace or the state of womens' feet due to wearing high-heeled shoes -- instead of wallowing in comment misery. Use expletives. Don't hold back. Tell me how you really feel...

...just don't make fun of my hair. I know already...

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 57 minutes

Laundry List: I guess I'll need to wash the tablecloth from my pity party.

Insomnia, Worry and a Very Bad Man

2006-05-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

I stayed home from work yesterday. I told them I had a migraine, but the truth is I just didn't sleep well the night before and all I wanted when the alarm went off at 5:23 was at least another night's rest. Something woke me at 1:55 a.m. and, after realizing that the alarm clock had become mysteriously unplugged, and, after much cursing and swearing and getting up to pee, I. just. could. not. get. back. to. sleep. Here are some of the many things that were running through my mind (and preventing my beauty sleep):

I have to make cardboard guitars for our Guide meeting on Tuesday. Where do I get eleventy-million tons of cardboard by tomorrow? For really cheap?

When am I going to find the time between now (Sunday night) and Tuesday at 6:00 p.m. to cut out 18 cardboard guitars?

Should we paint the guitars or colour them with markers?

When are we going to sell the 40 extra cases of Girl Guide cookies sitting in my co-leader's living room. (Anybody want some GG cookies? $4.00 a box!)

Maybe I should just quit Girl Guides and let someone else deal with it. No, silly. You love Guiding. You're just tired.

But why did I agree to making guitars? Out of cardboard? For 18 girls?

So...I took the day off and got some extra rest. I solved the guitar problem by going out into my backyard and discovering (among the sh*t-load of junk piled up waiting to go to the dump) a pile of cardboard left over from our bathroom renovation. I sliced and diced, with my box cutter, 18 cardboard guitars (and lived to tell the tale...no missing limbs!) And, I spent my remaining birthday money on flowers...cause nothing picks me up better than a little gardening.

Because I was feeling much, much better by this point I decided to walk up to the school and pick up Bella and Budgie. Imagine my surprise at seeing my son walk out of school with his middle-upper lip coloured with black Sharpie marker. Apparently, he got bored in the afternoon with everything else going on...oh like, I don't know, education and decided to colour his face. With black Sharpie marker! That would not come off!

So, yes, I was that Mom in PoCo yesterday, walking the young Fuhrer home for a wash....and a long, age-appropriate, talk about history and politics....

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 58 minutes

Laundry List: gardening gloves, white face-cloth with black smudges

April 27th was...

2006-05-02T08:39:00.000-07:00

It was my birthday last Thursday. I turned 34. Or 29 plus 5. Or one year short of 35 (eeeeep!). Anyways, it was my birthday on Thursday and not much happened. We had chicken fingers and fries for dinner. And cinnamon buns from Cinnzeo for dessert. Yes, we really know how to celebrate in the D2bH household. Oh yeah. Also? My brother forgot my birthday. No biggie really. After all, I wasn't really paying enough attention to even notice that he forgot. Hell, I wanted to forget!

I guess he was feeling really bad about not calling me on Thursday, so when we went over to my brother's house on Saturday night for poker, Ivan and Debbie had cake and presents waiting for me (huzzah!). Our friend Brandy works at Safeway and on Saturday during her shift she bought a cake that had been ordered, but never picked up for five bucks. The top of the cake originally said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRIS", so she bought a tube of matching icing and was going to remove "Chris" and replace it with "Vicky". Ivan got ahold of the cake as soon as she brought it in the house and changed it himself. After his revisions, this is what my cake read (you can totally tell that we grew up in the same household and inherited the same idiotic sense of humour):

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OH CHRIST YOU'RE OLD!

Weight! I'll tell you a few stories...

2006-04-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

Last week at Weight Watchers the weight loss was not good. Really, really not good. Like gaining the same amount of weight back that you just lost the week before not good. But the humour? The humour was good.

Our leader has a theme for each motivational talk she does every week. She has it all layed out on a giant boardroom tablet in brightly coloured markers, with inspiring quotes sprinkled thoughout. And she's good. She's peppy to the extreme, but she's good. You leave a meeting ready to conquer the world (until you drive-thru at Wendy's right after the meeting, because it's Thursday and this Frosty doesn't count. The new week begins on Friday). Like last week's theme was "Row, Row Your Boat". It was all about how weight loss can be compared with trying to row a boat. You're rowing backwards, so you can't see where you're going. You end up rowing in a zig-zag fashion rather than parallel with the shoreline....blah, freaking, blah, blah, blah...

Anyways. At the end of each presentation she flips the final page and reveals (TA DA!) the theme of the next week's meeting. On Thursday, she flips the page and it reads:

Discovering Your Sixth Sense

...so I lean over to my Sister-in-Law, Debbie, and, summoning my inner Haley Joel Osment, I whisper in her ear...

..."I see fat people!"

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People neglected to tell me that when I started to lose weight, cramps would once again become ABSOLUTELY UNBEARABLE! Not unlike that summer when I was 14 and I spent an entire week of my vacation in England curled up on my Granny's couch...close to death from the pain. Death I tell you! I still remember that my Mom took my brothers to the market on the bus and I had to stay back...no shopping for me...not a huge deal since my Granny tended to my every whim, bringing me cool cloths for my forehead and Jelly Babies for the pain..."to settle your stomach sweetheart" (because candy? better than Midol for the monthlys. And Granny's? Better than anything at all times.) I wonder what the people here at work would think if I just curled up under my desk in the fetal position...after the way they've treated me this week...should I really care?

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Cheap Bastard doesn't seem too affected by MY HORRIBLE WORK DILEMNA 2006. We were discussing it in the car last night...actually, I was ranting and raving and spitting and snarling and I did, in fact, scream something about communism. Something like: "We're not living in a communist country here! Nobody's gonna tell me I have to be an ice skater if I'd rather be an engineer!" (I would totally be an ice skater if somebody said I had to be one, cause if someone offered to teach me how to do a triple axle I'd be all over that! An engineer though? Not so much.) He replied that all work places are communist...basically insinuating that I should just suck it up and accept whatever they throw at me. This? Just made me madder. Wherein I threatened to run away and join the circus or maybe it was more like "I'm just gonna quit my job and go back downtown and they will be very sorry and miss me a lot and cry that they never had it so good before I got there and who is gonna pay the invoices on time now that I'm gone and don't they know who they're dealing with here and why am I so assertive in my mind and a freaking pathetic puddle when they're giving me orders?"

So, the work thing? I haven't even begun to decide what I'm going to do about it. I do know that I could go back downtown and work temp to perm and be earning almost ten grand more a year than I do now. I also know that the hours would be longer and the commute more arduous. I would again take the commuter train downtown, the pros of which would be no more traffic, a comfortable seat, I could nap or read or watch tv or write on my laptop. The cons? An hour and a half each way as opposed to 30 minutes each way as it stands now. Working as an Exec. Assistant again would be much more stimulating and challenging...clerical accounting is very "the same" from week to week to week.

I need a plan. Heck, I need to set a date to schedule a meeting with myself to sit down and write a plan. Procrastamom, she is mighty!

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My son broke my heart into teeny, tiny pieces this week. He is officially too old to hold my hand out in public. As of now. Right this second. Thank you and goodnight.

He is also too embarassed to wear his Beaver uniform out where everyone can see him, especially while walking to the Fish Hatchery for a field trip. No problem wearing it at the Fish Hatchery. Just not out in the open where the general people of his neighbourhood can see him. I pointed out that Rhylan across the street was walking around in his Cub Scout uniform that same night. Doesn't matter. Rhylan is a Cub and he's older and Cubs are cooler and next year he will be a Cub and he will wear his uniform anywhere we want him to. To bed even. But Beavers? They are Kindergarteners and Grade ones. And he? Is grade two. And tired of dealing with the other "Kindergarten babies" in his troop. Fine. Understood.

But breaking the heart of the person who loves you more than anyone else on the whole big earth? Not fine. Not understood. Budgie, you are only eight years old. Yes, it's true that Zeenee was only six when she ordered me to no longer kiss her in the car when I dropped her off at school. "And please Mom, if you have to say I Love You, could you just say Elephant Shoes instead? Then my friends won't know what you're talking about." ("Elephant Shoes" is our code word for I Love You. Try mouthing it silently to someone and see if they don't think you're mouthing "I love you" instead. Bonus points if you do it to a coworker or someone who would be equally uncomfortable with you silenting professing your love for them. Like my husband's best friend, Budgie Sr., did to me when we were seventeen and-oh-my-god-Cheap-Bastard's-best-friend-just-hit-on-me-and-how-am-I-gonna-break-it-to-him-gently-that-I'm-not-in-love-with-him-too? Elephant Shoes. Try it. It is fun. And code too.) Zeenee also ordered me to cease with ever waving at her again in grade six, but luckily has sinced vetoed that law.

Anabella will still freely hold my hand wherever we go and has no problem with the "I love you's". She's such a snuggle-bun and I Elephant Shoes her soooo much.

But I have officially lost TWO of them to the dark side now...and Bella is almost ten...so tell me, how long do you really think I have left?

When I was pregnant with Budgie I was sooo looking forward to having a boy. My girls were such "Daddy's Girls" that I swore if I didn't have a boy next, we would have to get a dog so someone would love ME. And it turned out perfect. From day one he's been MINE...all mine! At four he declared that when he was older he was kicking Daddy out and he would marry me. He made up a special kiss just for me...the Angel Kiss. He puts his lips really close, but not quite on my cheek and blows a soft kiss...like an angel. If he's hurt, he needs ME. If he's sick, he needs ME. I remember him being sick at about age five and him curling up on my lap and falling asleep on my shoulder. I remember thinking then that there wouldn't be many more times that I would get to hold one of my babies like that...and I was so right. It was actually the last time. The very last time I had one of their little faces snuggled into my neck...the very last time I held one of them and just inhaled the top of their head.

And now it's the hand holding. There is almost no-one left to lead ME across the street...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 40 minutes

Laundry List: Now that there's no-one to lead me across the street, I guess I'll have to launder my visi-vest....the bright red one with the big yellow X.

2006-04-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do. Friday, I was going to write this wonderful post about how much I really like my job. I mean, if I have to work (which I definately don't WANT to - anywhere, for any amount of money - I WANT to be a SAHM. But...I want to live in a house, with electricity and running water and shoes for my kids...so I work) this isn't a bad place to be. My benefits are great. I haven't paid more than $50.00 for dental work since January and I've had two crowns done this year (they're regularly $900/each). All of our prescriptions are fully covered and Budgie's glasses cost us nothing. So that's a good thing right? Also - and I was thiking about this Friday because they let me work from 7-3 instead of 8-4 so I could go and see Anabella run in an inter-school relay around a local lake - they are very flexible with my hours. If I have an appointment or want to take a vacation day on the fly, they never say no to me changing my schedule around. They let me take every second friday off. Granted, they don't pay me for time off (who would?), but to me time off to spend with my kids is more important than money sometimes...and Lord knows there will never be enough money...or enough chocolate...but, uhmmm...where was I?

Anyways, today at lunch my boss tells me that they decided on Friday (I wasn't in the office on Friday) that I would be changing roles as of next week. Seems they would like me to become the full-time payroll person. Right now I do half of the accounts payable function in the office as it's a giant job. We pay out a couple million a month to our suppliers, so I take on half the responsibility of that and another girl does the second half. I like it and I think I'm very good at it. As for payroll, I've only trained on it a few times two years ago and did okay at it, I guess. The girl who is doing it now is swamped under with Accounts Receivable AND Payroll and needs to let something go. She hasn't taken a vacation in five years because no-one has learned her job well enough to fill in for her (although, if you ask me, she's being a kind of martyr about the whole thing. I would have just told the bosses five years ago that I was taking my two weeks a year and to find someone to fill in for me. I'm not that dedicated to this place...but that's just me). I won't be expected to take on the payroll position in addition to a/p. Someone else will be taking on my role and I'll be exclusively payroll, WCB and anything else they can throw at me in the course of a week.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about this yet as I just got the news less than two hours ago. I have looked on Monster.ca for another job...so maybe I'm a little angry/spiteful/insane about it? Not sure. I think it's sort of sinking in that they didn't ASK ME if I wanted the position. They told me that this is what I will be doing from now on.

...oh, and of course this transition doesn't involve a raise.

What to do. What to do. What would your reaction be?

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 2 hours, 1 minute

Laundry List: soccer socks, field hockey socks, uniforms, gardening gloves...the wheather is GORGEOUS here, finally! The girls had sports on the weekend. Zeenee had a field hockey game (lost 2-1) and Anabella tried out for the select soccer team that starts in September. Standing out in the sunshine watching your kids play sports is thoroughly enjoyable...in comparison to skulking under an umbrella.

And now my gullet is full because of that little red-headed girl with pigtails (or...in which I blame corporate characatures for my large butt)

2006-04-19T14:48:00.000-07:00

I drove to Wendy's (can you tell that there are NO OTHER food establishments around my work? Whenever I blog about lunch, that chick's name comes up!) at lunch today and ordered a Classic Single with cheese, fries, coke and a medium frosty. I ate the whole thing (except the Frosty, which I will eat at 3:00 when Louise goes home and there's nobody in this part of the office to hear me scarfing) behind my cubicle wall in an act of shameless desperation (I am Ziggy Piggy, hear me snort). Thank goodness for my blog...my confessional. I feel better now...wait, no...I feel bloated.

So...good luck to me with the scales tomorrow night. Looks like they'll be going up, up, up in my part of the world. Unless I can convince my tired butt to head to the gym tonight for one last grasp at weight-loss for the week. I stayed out late last night at a Guiding function (area annual meeting), which is, I'm sure, why I felt the need for a sugar/fat burst at lunch. I also ate my weight in appies and dessert last night at the function, so I'm hoping the Weight Watchers scale can handle my 800 pound mass! Gaa! Weight loss...why do you elude me so? Oh wait, the grossly-excessive eating...of course (*lightbulb moment*).

There's nothing like a Guiding meeting, complete with all of my good friends and good food, to get me all renewed and refreshed about Girl Guides. I started planning all sorts of program stuff in my head this morning and have sent off about 30 emails to my fellow Guiders ("we should consider this" "when should we schedule this for?" "I'll volunteer to do that") - should probably have been working at my JOB instead of Guiding at my JOB, but meh...whatevah. All of this initial thinking will be good while it lasts...before Procrastamom takes over again and I'm left packing and planning for District Camp on the Friday morning that I'm supposed to leave! (mother's day weekend in may) Wonder what kind of craft I'll concoct for 180 girls in the five minutes I manage to spare a thought to it?

I noticed a funny cartoon in the Reader's Digest I was scanning over lunch (behind my cubicle and in front of a cheeseburger). It's a picture of a guy with a starting gun at the beginning gate of a race. He's the only one there...because the race banner says....

"Run to Raise Awareness for Chronic Procrastination"

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 38 minutes...and 8 minutes til Louise goes home, leaving me to my sweet Frosty.

Laundry List: Hopefully sweaty, smelly gym clothes.

Because she really is an A student, but she doesn't necessarily portray that on a regular basis.

2006-04-17T19:16:00.000-07:00

Heard in my house earlier today.

Budgie: Look at me Mom. I am a tree. I am one with the earth and with nature.

Me: Jeez Budgie. I can just see you when you're older. On the nightly news, there you are. A Hippie chained to a tree...pledging your undying oath to the forests.

Anabella: Hey! I'm gonna be an environmentalist too. I'm gonna chain myself to a whale!

(mmmm, hmmm)

Score!

2006-04-17T18:53:00.000-07:00

Guess what Budgie is doing right now. Go ahead guess!

Great guess. Yep, he's having a shower. In OUR bathroom! In the new shower!

Hallelujah! It's finally done!

Now...don't ask me about the rest of the bathroom. We haven't even started the adoption proceedings for the toilet and sink yet. Ask me next year. I may have a definitive answer by then.

So...how was everyone's Easter weekend? Mine was FAN.TAS.TIC!!! We got the entire house scrubbed and all the laundry done on Friday, so that left the next three days free to sit around and catch up on my TV shows (24-Season 4 and Lost-Season Two). I also went to the gym Saturday morning. I'm down 13.4 pounds as of last Thursday...whoohoo! I like to think of each pound as a stick of butter...if I can picture it that way it feels like I've lost lots. I can't feel any loss around my waistband yet and was telling one of the councellors at Weight Watchers this. She said it's unusual that I haven't noticed any shrinkage, but she did say my pants would probably just fall off one day. With my luck, it'll be at work in front of an important client or something. "Hello sir. Would you like to see my Underoos?" Either way, I'll be happy when it happens :)

Ha ha. The cat is jumping and hissing at the window at another cat who has dared to enter her territory. Pizza is an inside cat, so she gets quite territorial about her "window space"...any creature she can see out her window is in her space. She has fallen off the window sill a total of five times tonight so far. It's hilarious because the grey cat on the outside looks totally unaffected by her anger...I actually think he's laughing internally at poor Pizza Maria. "Stupeed caht. Vy don't choo come out here and say dat to my face." (this cat...he is obviously Russian or French...or from New York)

Well, I'm off to put Bella in the shower for her maiden voyage. Then it's another two episodes of 24. Air Force One has just been hit by a missile and I'm hanging by a thread waiting to see the next installment.

Happy Easter Monday!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: Here now. Work in 12 hours, 50 minutes. Another three day week for me. Friday off with the kids (Pro-D Day) Can I have another "hallelujah"?

Laundry List: Done. Done. And done. And....hallelujah!

Email Me!

2006-04-15T09:49:00.000-07:00

procrastamom AT gmail DOT com

Because the blogosphere is a wonderful thing

2006-04-11T16:06:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who responded to my plea for G-mail. To my hilarious friend DottyNana, G-Mail is Google's version of Hotmail. I know it sounds kinky...ooo baby, G-mail...that's the spot...but, unfortunately, it's much tamer than that. I like to think of it as Google's answer to butt floss...but really, it's more of a "granny panties wearing" kind of program...big, basic, boring....but necessary! Anybody who is anybody has G-mail and now I do too!

Thanks especially to Laura who responded first to my desperation and quickly sent off an invitation to nirvana. (and thanks also to my lovely CHSIL or BIL who sent one also and to Jon...not sure who you are, but so grateful you're reading and took the time). I'll have to see how it all works later...

...but right now I have to pee...and go home.

(more on my weekend trip and my failure to write for ten minutes a day, even though I only decided to do that last week and I'm too lame to actually follow through with it for more than three days...later)

Oh yeah...I'm now procrastamom AT gmail DOT com...e-mail me!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 22 minutes...I was supposed to leave 8 minutes ago! (I'm such a work-a-holic)

Laundry List: I have to pee to badly to think about it right now...gaaaa!

Anybody got an extra G-Mail?

2006-04-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

Does anyone out there have an extra G-mail invite they'd like to get off their hands? I'd sure appreciate having one. Email to vyk_bach AT hotmail DOT com. I might be the last lone blogger in the great giant bloggosphere who doesn't have one.

And I need to keep up with the Dooces(get it?)...

Science and Safety Minutes

2006-04-06T10:58:00.000-07:00

Ummm, hi. Safety minutes? Suck!

I have been sitting here for 2 hours and 19 minutes trying to make hide or hair of what I wrote on March the 15th, in the year of our Lord two thousand and six...and. I. can't. do. it. Maybe I SHOULDN'T have stayed up until 11:00 last night and watched Jessica Alba shake her thang in Honey (note to self: you'll never get those two hours back). Maybe I SHOULD have gone to the gym after watching ANTM last night as planned, then gotten my butt into bed at a decent hour. But seriously people, no amount of extra sleep could change the fact that my handwriting indicates I should have chosen a different career path...highly paid doctor comes to mind. I'm putting in a call to my two year old nephew to invite him over here to decipher my notes...they're that bad.

And the fact that it's SAFETY MINUTES...b-to the o-to the ring. If I had the balls, I'd just change the date at the top and pass the February minutes off as the March ones. I don't think a soul would notice.

February 2006

Jobsite X: 4 on crew. All crew wearing safety glasses, hard hats and vests. No concerns.

March 2006

Jobsite X: 4 on crew. All crew wearing safety glasses, hard hats and vests. No concerns.

So surprise, surprise...the sheer boredom emitting from my person, through osmosis, caused the internet browser on my computer to magically open (science - in you I did not major) and I have eaten through my entire blogroll in these last two hours. I'm not sure what I would do without the Mirs or Marys of the blogosphere. I guess I'd probably have nothing to read and time for more work, but really...who wants that? And if Mir wasn't writing over at Blogher I wouldn't have found my new favourite blog EV-AH! I may or may not have spent the better part of the last hour reading the archives over at Niihaus...and when you read one of Lisa's posts, you might have to spend way too much time at her house too. Seriously, I'm like that annoying woman from up the street that you really don't care for - the one that stops over for coffee without invitation and stays ALL DAY and you're just too polite to ask her to go away - I'm like that with a blogger's archives...I'll use your bathroom and I won't come out til I've studied everything in the medicine cabinet!

...ew! Hemorrhoid cream...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 30 minutes...then FOUR DAYS OFF!!!

Laundry List: Thinking about it, laundry is also like that annoying neighbour who drops over unexpectedly and NEVER LEAVES...EV-AH!

Working Title: I got nuthin...

2006-04-05T16:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's 3:32 and I finally have ten minutes to spare. Okay, I'm lying. I have NO TIME to spare, but I'm taking some. Right now.

Thanks to all who commented about the dog. It's going to be weird around the house for the next little while. Nobody to follow me around as I do the laundry...because the milkbones were in the laundry room cupboard (and I was generous with them...two or three at a time!). Guess I'm going solo on the laundry from now on. It wasn't like she helped me fold or anything...she was just good company.

On to other things then? Oh. I know. I have one! My Zeenee made the honour roll! My daughter. The fruit of my (and my husband's) never-on-the-honour-roll-loins...made the honour roll. (damn these ringing phones...can't somebody else pick them up? I'm not the receptionist! Fine I'll answer it! Hold please...) This accomplishment gains extra merrit when you consider that Zeenee couldn't read very well until about Grade 4. And now. Honour Roll! (I'm getting a little verclempt) And. And! Her coach named her MVP on her soccer team (she's co-sharing the title with another player, but still...MVP!). Extra proud mama today people...extra proud.

I've got to spend some time packing for Victoria tonight, because...Cheap Bastard? Wants us on the 10:00 ferry on Friday morning. And? If you know anything about traffic around here (I've only mentioned my disdain for Lower Mainland traffic, oh, three or four (hundred) times on this blog before) that means we have to leave the house at SEVEN O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING! A full half-hour before I would regularly leave for work on a regular weekday. Holiday my ass! So...I'll have to start packing tonight and have it all ready by tomorrow night. There'll be no time for packing in the wee hours of the mornin on Friday. Lord above, why does he take travelling so seriously? I'll have to stop thinking about this now, before I go off on a CB rant...

I'll leave you with this. I just checked my stats on sitemeter and reviewed the "referrals" (how people got to my site). They are some funny. The search terms are in bold and my snarky answers follow. Enjoy.

saggy butt pants fix When you find out, let me know. My "regions" need some help.

hot+housewife+by+vicky We're considering installing air conditioning here at D2bH...

I want to be housewife Me too sweetie. Me too.

frightening images Have you met my butt?

how to sterilize electric shavers Ummm. Rubbing alcohol?

desperate housewife No no. Desperate TO BE A Housewife

housewife sex I'll take whatever you're offering...

how to be a housewife? Again, when you find out let me know.

Can housewife get jobs & in which field Yes. Mine is available. Do you like answering phones?

i'll be there vancouver Not me. I try to avoid it.

housewife boobs What have you got against working mom boobs?

desperate Google found eleventy billion results for "desperate"...please narrow your search.

jobs for 18 year old wimen For a start, I think you'll want to stay away from "Editor".

vicky present!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 26 minutes. I'm leaving now. I'm on my way...from misery to happiness today. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh. Uh huh.

Laundry List: Soccer uniforms. Priority.

Goodbye Old Friend

2006-04-04T21:00:00.000-07:00

Cubby 1992-2006

My Dad had to take Miss Cubby to the vet today to put her to rest. She was 14 years old and her poor body had finally given up on her. Her back legs were so bad she couldn't stand up straight on them for more than about a minute without them buckling underneath her. She fell down the porch stairs on Sunday and CB had to lift her back up to the house...he said she was as light as a feather. She had gone deaf and blind. This picture is from better days, when she actually had meat on her bones and a sparkle in her eyes. Because my parents live in the same house as us, my kids have grown up with Cubby. She is the only dog they have ever known and loved...it has been hard on them, I can tell.

Budgie has had the worst time understanding the process. My Dad warned them yesterday that he'd be taking Cubby to the vets today. We shouldn't have told Budgie that she was "being put to sleep". When I asked him yesterday if he would be sad when Cubby went away to the vets, he said no. He thought they were putting her into a deep sleep and repairing her broken body. I could see the shock and hurt in his eyes when I explained what would really be happening...that Cubby wouldn't be coming home again. He also asked if he needed to write a speech for Cubby's funeral and if we could bury her next to Terry Fox's grave up at the cemetery. If it could be that way, I would have made it so.

When his substitute teacher asked them to rate how they were feeling out of a scale of 1 to 10 today, Budgie told her he was feeling like a zero...his Grandad was taking his dog to die today. The old bat told him not to worry, he could always get another dog. Why would you say that to a kid?

The house already feels emptier. I guess there won't be anymore black hair to sweep up...no more clumps "big enough to knit a new dog with" in the vacuum canister...no more poop to clean up off the yard. There were also no brown eyes watching out the front window for me when I drove up today after work...no animal waiting behind the front door to get clomped in the head when I swung it open (she was cute, but she was no Einstein!) That dog could tell time though. At 4:30 on the dot every weekday, she would get up and go watch out the window to wait for my Dad to come home from work...she just knew.

Goodbye my Sweet Cubby...Chubb Chubbs...Cubington Bear. I love you more than cheese...

New month's resolution: post more often. post interesting. post something!

2006-04-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

I've decided I need to sit down EVERY DAY (every weekday at least) and blog for a minmum of ten minutes. Whatever comes into my head at the time, that's what's coming out of my fingers (no, not the middle one...not often anyways). I got the idea from my good friend Wil Wheaton. If you've read here a lot, you know that me and him are LIKETHIS...due to the fact that I wrote him a fan letter in 1986(ish) and he wrote back. He suggested on his blog(to me personally of course...but he put it on his blog as a courtesy to every one of his other readers) that one should sit down for ten minutes every day and just write. So...I'm gonna try it.

------

Now, while we're on the subject of my good friend Wil Wheaton...we should probably review how it happened that we became such good friends that he would shell out advice to ME PERSONALLY (even though he put it on his blog for all to see)...he did, after all, send me a letter once...personally addressed to myself.

As a starry-eyed thirteen year old, I met and fell in love with Wil Wheaton when I first saw Stand By Me (the first of eleventy million viewings by MYSELF, personal friend of Wil Wheaton). I think I found the fanmail address in Tiger Beat/Teen Beat/16 Magazine (that I bought on the way home from the movie) and I quickly zipped off a letter extoling the pure brilliance of his performance:

"oh my god, I so totally like you Wil. You should move to Canada and we could hang out. I'm, like, 13 and you're, like, 13! We're the same age! That's so cool!"

....hmmm, I guess I didn't nominate him for an Oscar or anything, but I totally let him know how I felt...c.r.u.s.h.

Anyways, a few days (plus six months) later, I got a letter back from him! Addressed to me! A letter! From Wil Wheaton!!!

It was on yellow paper and read something like:

Dear Wil Wheaton Fan:

Thanks for your letter. It was cool of you to write to me. You are a cool Wil Wheaton Fan. Cool.

From Wil Wheaton
(*Wil Wheaton photocopied signature* <-- he signed it!)

What my 13 year old self read though, was:

(written on personal stationery with his home address)
Dear Vicky F.,

I am moving to Canada tomorrow to the house right next door to yours. We can hang out everyday and when we grow up we can get married. Cool.

Love Forever, Wil Wheaton
(real signature...in blood)

So you see, ever since that letter Wil and I have been LIKETHIS. Of course, he went on to marry his lovely wife Anne and I met and married the handsome Cheap Bastard. I guess we eventually decided we weren't compatible (like I turned 14 and totally crushed on one of the Corey's instead...something like that)...that and I wasn't a big Star Trek fan (like Cheap Bastard is...he would have totally married Wil Wheaton to get a peek at the set of that show). We went about our separate ways in late 1987 and one day I typed his name into a search engine and stumbled upon his blog which I really enjoy reading. One day I just might find myself leaving him a comment...

...and a reminder about that special (yellow photocopied) letter from long ago.

--------

(And this is just my long, round about, crazy way of getting my ten minutes of writing in today...thanks for the idea Wil)

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 2 hours, 49 minutes

Laundry List: Me and the laundry are LIKETHIS!

"Light" dinner conversation

2006-03-29T21:14:00.000-08:00

Annabella: Dudes, my friends said that Michael Jackson had lots of plastic surgery to turn his skin from dark to light!

She says "dudes" and "peeps" a lot lately...she's also waaay behind on the news...but she does a marvelous rendition of MJ doing the crotch grab...we're so, so proud.

Zeenee: (rolls eyes) Geez An, you're really up on the latest.

My Mom: Why was his skin dark before?

Me: Because he's black Mom. Remember when he was in the Jackson Five?

My Mom: No. I didn't know he was black? His sister never looked dark skinned to me.

Me: Who? Janet?

My Mom: No. Marie.

Me: Marie Osmond Mom?

My Mom: Yes. She always had such fair skin.

**sigh**

Saggy Butt

2006-03-29T13:45:00.000-08:00

You would think that after losing almost 11 pounds, my waistband would start to loosen around my mid-section right? You would think so. But you'd be wrong.

Instead, I've noticed in the last few days that my pants have started to bag in the lower ass region (yes, my ass is large enough for regions -- upper, lower and even a mid-ass region...heck, it practically qualifies for its own area code!). Instead of slowly blossoming into a beautiful, tiny-waisted pear, I'm starting to resemble my dad...all gut and no butt.

That's just great...now I'll never look like J-Lo...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 2 hours, 38 minutes

Laundry List: Many pairs of saggy-ass pants to launder...

GM: A Pox On Your House

2006-03-28T11:16:00.000-08:00

Dear GM:

This letter serves as notice that we will NEVER buy a ~~piece of crap~~ product from you EVER again for at least one million years. Piss me off again and we'll make it two million.

Yours truly,

Crazy Montana Owner Soccer Mom

I took our van in for its regularly scheduled maintenance this morning. For a mere $300.00 we get the oil changed, the engine tapped with a wrench, the computer thinga-ma-doo-ee hooked up for life support, the spark plugs will be sparkled, the tires rotated (they seem to rotate every time I drive the van, but what do I know about cars...oh look! A birdy!) and a free air freshener...well...free if you don't count the three hundred dollars we have to pay to get it out of purgatory this afternoon. When I dropped it off I had to call Cheap Bastard, because I wasn't aware that it was going to cost two weeks worth of groceries to have it fixed. Then I got a ride to work with the cute little old man who drives people around all day. Then I got a call. From the evil service guy at GM.

We need new front brakes. On a van that is only a year old. They want three hundred more dollars for that. I got Cheap Bastard to call them, because what do I know from brakes? As far as I'm concerned that van has stopped every time I've pressed the brake pedal...and for that I'm thankful (as is CB from that time I almost ran him over at the train station, but stopped just in time half on the sidewalk and half on the street. Then, instead of being remorseful that I almost killed my spouse, I laughed like a maniac all the way home). It seems the brakes are only at 15% and of course they're not covered by the warranty. So Cheap Bastard said fix'em. We're going to Victoria in two weeks and I guess we might need them...with our luck they'd fail just as we were driving onto the ferry. We'd be first in line. Drive onto the ferry. Brake. Fail. Sploosh! Into the water off the front of the boat.

If you're still playing along our bill is now at $600.00. Plus GST (7%). Plus PST (7%). Plus free air freshener.

CEO of GM. I've got a voodoo doll with your name on it...and I'm gonna Google how to use it...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 12 minutes, $684.00, free air freshener

Laundry List: 684 loads, free air freshener provided by Downey

Thursday Thirteen - MIL

2006-03-23T15:03:00.000-08:00

Thirteen Things I love about my MIL

It's my MIL's birthday today. Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday to one of my favourite people, hands down. Recently, she started her own blog, View From My Deck. Go on over there and send her some love...and while you're at it, help me encourage her to keep on writing...cause she's good at it! Here are thirteen reasons I think she is the best:

She gave birth to the centre of my world. My rock. My looo-vare. My guy. My hottie. The young chap I met and fell in love with almost 18 years ago. She is Cheap Bastard's Mummy.

Without question, she is the best Granny to walk the earth...EVER. She is the Granny of Zeenee, Anabella, Budgie and Little O. My kids worship her with every ounce of their being and when she's in the room, all others cease to exist. I think it's because she has always PLAYED with them, not simply looked down on them as a grandchild, a possession, another notch in her belt. She befriended them. And, like the kids do to her, she worships them too.

I can call and talk to her about anything. She is my best phone-friend and pretty much the only person I'll take a call from anytime of the day or night.

She likes tea...Tetley's only...milk in the cup first...no more to be said about that.

She taught me to cook. When CB and I first got married, I could hardly boil water. She's given me a lot of her great recipes and taught me how to make them all.

She got me my first job in my chosen career. When I was 18 and in my first year of college, she let me fill in for her while she went on holidays. She taught me all about working in an office, answering a phone, typing, filing, etc...all at the same time! And she did it patiently....while answering a phone, typing, filing, etc.

She is crafty. Not in a sneaky kind of way. More of a sewing/knitting/stamping kind of way. Zeenee was the best dressed baby, thanks to her Granny's amazing creations. When we get together we do a lot of crafting...or discuss crafting...or go to craft fairs...or compare crafts.

She has a penchant for shoes. The more pairs the better. The prettier the colours, the better. Who couldn't love that about a person.

She believes that a conversation cannot be well had without the aid of baked goods. Cookies, squares, cinnamon buns...they all bring out the "talk".

She has a talent for picking out great gifts for others. She just KNOWS what will make that person happy. This past Christmas I got the softest, warmest pajamas from her and FIL. Like her, I am always cold and she must have known when she saw them that they'd warm me to the core.

She has a giant, beautiful personality that just draws people to her. Perfect strangers will stop her in the street and start up a conversation, probably because they see the warmth in her smile and her eyes and know she has a heart to match.

Because of this magnetic personality, she sometimes draws in the most interesting, quirky, amazing people and thusly has the most interesting, quirky and amazing stories to tell about her encounters.

She loves her family and friends fiercely and I'm proud to be counted as one of those people.

Love you Mom. More than cheese. Happy Birthday!

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Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 35 minutes (I have tomorrow off again! Yahoooo!)

Laundry List: 13 loads or so...

Worst Day - Worst Mother

2006-03-20T15:57:00.000-08:00

Bella was playing her final game of her weekend soccer tournament yesterday morning. We had gotten up at the crack of dawn on Sunday morning to be in Vancouver for an 8 a.m. start to the first game, then we'd gone to McDonald's for breakfast and at 11:00 the final game started. I hadn't had anything to eat at McDonald's and was having a hard time keeping my emotions in check. I was extremely weepy yesterday morning, so I headed to the Chevron station to use the bathroom and buy myself a snack. I had hoped that the break away from Cheap Bastard, whose fault it was for everything wrong in my world yesterday (who knows or cares why today, but yesterday I was ready to rip his face off), would relieve some of the angst I was feeling and give me a few minutes to compose myself back to normal.

I got back to the field just before halftime and found Anabella in my lawn chair taking a break. I leaned over to kiss her on the head and when I stood up I guess I must have lost my balance a little, because the hot chocolate I was holding in my left hand let go and I dropped it all over her. Yes, you read that right. I dropped a hot drink all over my baby. From her neck to her stomach.

All I remember is her leaping out of the chair uttering the most horrible, primal screams I have ever heard (I will hear those screams forever). I instantly started pulling at her shirts to try and peel them away from her skin and she instinctively pulled back at them because I was revealing her bare back and chest to everyone on the field. Bella's Coach, Paul, got into the fray and started searching her for burns and blisters and all I could do...was hold her and cry, saying I was sorry over and over and over. CB came running over and when he got there I just lost it completely, sobbing and wavering, barely able to stand up on my own I was shaking so badly.

Luckily, Bella wasn't hurt at all. Her skin wasn't even red where I'd spilled the hot chocolate. I think she had screamed mainly from the initial shock of the spill and I imagine it had hurt a little bit as the drink was quite warm. Through my sobs I told CB that we should just take her home, but Bella would have none of it. She wanted to stay and finish the game. CB then asked me if I was alright, to which I replied no...then I bolted for the parking lot. I was so embarrassed and scared from almost killing my own child and I really don't remember how I got to the van. I just remember jumping in the back through the sliding door to hide behind the privacy glass where I sobbed for a good hour. Once CB got Bella settled back into the game he came out to check on me and give me kleenex. I told him I was a horrible mother, I had hurt and embarassed my child, and if I wasn't going crazy none of this would have happened. Of course he disagreed with me verbally (but what must he have been thinking of me?)...but I KNOW that my prior emotions had everything to do with this. If I hadn't been so upset before, I would never have wavered like that and spilled the drink.

I ended up missing Bella scoring the game winning goal. The coach took her out of net near the end of the game and told her to go and score a goal...and she did. Poor Coach Paul missed seeing his own daughter score a goal because it happened during the meelee that I caused. It was all so incredibly awful and embarassing and painful.

As I'm typing this today my face still hurts from all the crying I did yesterday. It stayed puffy and red for the rest of the day and I can still feel the pull of my skin around my eyes and cheeks. I deserve to feel that for a long time. It's my penance.

The only thing I can be thankful for in all of this is that I didn't go to Starbucks or somewhere like that and buy a piping hot freshly brewed coffee. Thank God is was just a cup of reheated gas station swill. Thank my lucky stars that it wasn't too hot. I think if my stupidness had caused a trip to the emergency room I would have been pushed over an edge that I could never come back from. It would have been the end of me if I had grieviously injured my own child.

Frightening Images

2006-03-20T11:31:00.000-08:00

Why is it that the mirror in the bathroom at work has the magic ability to make me see how horrible I look today, but in the one at home I looked fine?

Why home mirror? Why didn't you tell me to BRUSH MY HAIR?!!! Why didn't you remind me to put on makeup?!!!

People are running screaming from my cubicle and I'm afraid to go into the kitchen and get my lunch...someone may choke on their food from the fright!

This weekend sucked ass and I will tell you why later. (with apologies for the profanities...it "suckled on bare naked tushies"...better?)

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 3 Minutes

Laundry List: I'm afraid to look...it's scarier than my hair.

A List - Now with more bullets per square inch!

2006-03-17T17:26:00.000-08:00

You will be pleasantly
surprised at what the
Bible says about sex.

- from the billboard outside
Coquitlam Alliance Church

Why thank you Mr. Church. I'm sure you're right. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised at what your billboard said. So much, in fact, that I smiled all the way home even though my gums were still sore from where the hygenist had picked at them for an hour during my cleaning...with that sharp little evil hook. I look forward to driving by in the future. Next week's sermon, "Shock Advertising, Why it works!".

Yes, I did attend at my dentist's office today for my semi-annual cleaning. Ouch, gross and ewww come to mind. Mostly ouch. Might I just say that if I didn't love my dentists like family, I would drop them like a rock in a deep well due to the parking situation. The parking? Is horrible! They're located in one of those mini malls and they have exactly four spaces for parking. If you're not lucky enough to get there when someone else is leaving you have to go around the back and try to find an semi-underground space. But look hard, cause most of the spaces are Doctor Parking Only or Do Not Park Here Unless You're Having Your Hair Cut And Coloured At Lovely Locks or This Is A Free Parking Space, It's Just Not Your Free Parking Space. The parking usually throws me into a major stress attack EVERY TIME I go there and as I'm hiking the 50 miles from my car to the dentist's office I'm always thinking of the comments I'm going to make to the receptionist or the hygenist or the dentist himself about the attrocious parking situation. But they must have some kind of calming gas being piped into that office, because when I walk in I just say hello, look for the latest issue of People Magazine and rest my butt on the comfy leather couch in the waiting room. I've always wanted to suggest that they move to one of those big old houses in the neighbourhood. We've all seen them. Those calm, serene looking professional offices tucked into a sidestreet. With all that parking. Heaven I tell you. I suppose I COULD just start going to a dentist in my neighbourhood, but people...if you ever met my dentist's? You too would drive to the city next door to let them grind and polish your teeth. You would totally pink puffy heart them as I do.

I've been off work for the last two days to spend time with the kids while they're home for Spring Break. We've had a blast. Budgie and Anabella started their own scrapbooks...which are wonderfully done. They've each completed four pages and I showed them how to crop their photos and mat them and mount them on the paper. They are so proud of their creations. Then we went to Michael's and bought some FIMO clay and made little bugs and flowers...just cause we felt like making little bugs and flowers. They'll totally come in handy one day. Or maybe not, but they were fun to make.

The five of us have become completely hooked on the TV show Lost. We rented the first season and all of us ended up watching it separately or together over the last few weeks. We'd put a disk in and watch 2-4 episodes in a sitting. It is a fabulous show! Why didn't anyone ever tell me how good this show is?! Anyways, CB downloaded Season 2 (no he didn't, pretend you didn't read that) and we've watched three episodes together as a family. We decided that we should all watch at the same time, so someone couldn't give away part of the story to anyone who hadn't watched a particular episode. Zeenee went to stay at a friend's house last night, so we couldn't watch any Lost. I'm having a few withdrawal symptoms at the moment and I can't wait to watch some more tonight. I'm hoping CB will let us watch the next twelve episodes straight through. Hey, who can't stay up until six in the morning watching this show?

Bella has a soccer tourney this weekend in...Vancouver (ugh!). I despise driving into Vancouver for ANYTHING because, although we're only 30 minutes away, it takes about 6 hours to drive there when there's traffic (and there's traffic ALL THE DAY AND NIGHT!). I just have no use for Vancouver. I don't need it. Everything I need is either here in the Tri-Cities or on the internet. Doesn't matter that CB's job is in Vancouver, so the city is in fact paying our bills. I just have no use for driving through there or shopping there or even thinking about there. Vancouver? You're not needed. You're free to leave. See ya. Bye. (and if you live in Vancouver, please don't send me hate mail. I love YOU. Really!)

Cheap Bastard just got home and is whining about how hungry he is, so I'd better go and make him some pizza. I don't understand why he can't eat a snack in the late afternoon, but he refuses to. I know how to make him smile. I'll tell him how pleasantly surprised he'll be by what the Bible has to say about sex...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: Present and accounted for.

Laundry List: Accounted for, present and waiting to be done.

Letters From Home

2006-03-13T11:24:00.000-08:00

We're sending my brother a package to Afghanistan. Magazines, candies and the first season of Lost for him to watch on his laptop. I suggested to the kids that they should include a letter to their uncle Freddie. He'll be pleased with the results:

Dear Freddie, how's aghganustan? Have you been shot? Remember if someone's firing at you, you run!!!

What about the wimen how are they doing. have they died?
have they been shot?

from: Budgie

Dear Freddie,

How is Aghganistan? I've been very worried when the news says some canadian soldier has been injured or killed. I got two A's and 3 B's and one C+ on my report card. I love my mp3 player. I'm gonna make sure I lock my bag with my game-boy and mp3 in it when we go to Victoria with my class. Well tenchically I'm going with my class. I'm going to victoria twice in two weeks. We're not staying for the whole day with our class. We're just going from 5:00 am to 7:30-8:00 p.m.

Love:
Anabella
Middlename
Lastname
(Your NEASE)

P.S. Budgie stinks

Fast Food Crisis

2006-03-08T11:41:00.000-08:00

I AM SOOOO HUNGRY!

The thought of going into that kitchen and eating a salad sounds about as appealing as tucking into a cardboard box covered in raspberry vinagrette dressing. Mmmm...card.board.box.

My stomach is leading me in the direction of Wendy's...a loaded cheeseburger, medium fries, coke...typing it is causing rumbles down low in my belly. Five weeks of abstaining has led me to this day. This lack of control. Does it really register that my meal will add up to almost a day's worth of points? Not fully. Not caring right now.

The REALLY sad part? I don't dare drive-thru and bring it back here for all to see. Cause they know what I'm trying to accomplish. Their comments will not be positive.

Ugh. I'm like a drunk begging for someone to take the keys away from me before I get behind the wheel...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 37 minutes

Laundry List: Mmmmm laundry...loaded, with cheese, medium fries and a coke. Huh? What was the question?

UPDATE: 2:56pm - I didn't go and get Wendy's! I overcame the urge and just walked my fat ass into the kitchen and ate the salad. I kind of feel good about having the willpower to do it...but if I've gained so much as an ounce tomorrow night at my weigh-in, I'm having the full meal deal!

Paper Shuffle

2006-03-07T14:54:00.000-08:00

I would say that I'm up to my elbows in paper right now, but I actually haven't seen my elbows at all today. It's more like my nose is barely floating (and breathing) atop the many murdered trees adorning my desk, my credenza(s) and my floor.

Just a few minutes ago, I heard a squeaky noise coming from a stack of 2005 yet to be filed invoices. Upon investigation I found a missing colleague under the very last file. And we all thought she'd just up and quit late last year!

My boss just came into my grand office - okay, my 8x8ft cubicle - and quipped, "you really need to get rid of some of this paper."

Gee thanks Genius. I'll take that into consideration while I'm pricing those 200 PO's you just dropped in my inbox!

Kill a forrest...work for MY COMPANY.

Just thought I should blog this before I bulldoze into the pile of pulp. Remember to put the most important things first, that's what I always say...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 34 minutes

Laundry List: I wrote it down and left it on my desk somewhere...

A Spring in my step

2006-03-06T11:47:00.000-08:00

The crocuses are up. We are no longer scraping a thin layer of frost off the van windows in the mornings...and the distinct sound of birds chirping in the trees could be heard at 4:38 a.m. on Sunday morning. Spring has sprunged! The sun is visiting more often! Vicky has not had a depression fueled panic attack in over a week!

Spring usually causes me to make lists (at least in my head) of things to do. Accomplishments I need to make in the coming year.

It also causes the gardening-itch to spring (seasonal pun) up from within...as I find myself outside in the backyard planning my assault on the rock-wall ivy that's out of control and envisioning the many flowing, drippy plants I can buy and plant in baskets and nourish and love. This is my favourite part of living on the West Coast. The growing season is sooooo long! In Calgary you don't dare put plants out until the middle of June and by September the first frost has hit and killed most living things. But here? Start planning in February, start buying and planting in later March...and put your beloved garden to rest in early November. I heart gardening here.

I am a displaced Calgarian, who could be packed by tonight if you told me I get to move back...but I would still miss here. The mountains in my backyard, the giant trees, the Spring-Summer-Fall weather (but not the winter. The four months of absolutely-no-sun-not-even-if-you're-a-good-person are a killer). There's no question why people put up with the high cost of living here...it's bee-U-tee-ful.

I think spring has given me an extra-large kick in the butt this year, because this is what I've knocked off of my list in the last two weeks:

Organize storage room: from not being able to fit the vacuum back in the room to being able to hold a gala event in there. I cleaned and organized and reshuffled and got-rid-of-it from morning until nearly 10 at night! I organized my six-years worth of Guiding stuff. I put all my craft stuff in neatly labelled boxes on precisely organized shelves. Next on the list? Make a trip to Goodwill and the City Dump, so back driveway and entryway look less like a dumpster-diver's hovel. Seems I got rid of a little too much (grin).

Deep clean kitchen: I removed the colony of popcorn and bread-crumbs that was attempting to propogate under the microwave, scrubbed all surfaces with my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser (people! If you do not yet own some Mr. Clean Magic Erasers go immediately to the store and get some. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.00. They are the invention of the century!), cleaned the fridge, washed the floors and shined my sink ala Flylady (I bow to the Flylady).

Organize and run kickass pub night for soccer team: it went off without a hitch on Saturday night and we raised $1000 for the team to go to a tournament in Victoria in early April. Not sure how many WW points 4 "Creamsicle" drinks add up to, but at least I don't have to count the spontaneous tequilla those promo guys poured into my mouth after the team's coach pushed me into a chair and said "here Vick, try this!"...because ha! Most of it flowed down my boobs and into my bra. A sticky situation to be sure.

Wash walls: okay, I only washed one so far. But. But! I went in the shed and got the drill and removed the air return vent off the wall, bleached it in my Flylady sink and scrubbed the wall and baseboards with my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser! The wall? Is white. Who woulda thunk it. Only eighty or so more walls to go in the coming weeks.

Act all high maintenance mama and get hair cut and coloured at salon: Done, done and done. I love it...that is to say I loved it after the hairdresser did it on Saturday. That euphoria ended this morning when I figured out IT WOULD NEVER LOOK THAT GOOD AGAIN! Unless said hairdresser is willing to visit my home every morning to flip it just so with the straightening iron. She convinced me to keep my natural red underneath and highlight it with blonde streaks. Looks pretty damned cool if I do say so myself.

Make list of things that still need doing: In a million years, I would never have enough time to do this. They include removing Llama from stairwell wall, painting kitchen cupboards and putting laminate on kitchen floors (I swear my sanity would increase ten fold with this simple step), scrapbooking my tens of thousand of pictures, sewing Guide badges on campfire blankets (some of mine are from 1978!) and of course to start my gardening. At this point it's not safe to think about the never-ending-bathroom-renovation-from-hell. I'm still hoping to again shower in there before I retire...

...in 2037!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 38 min

Laundry List: Unfortunately new loads SPRING up every day...there will never be a catch up day for this chore...sigh

Small Victories

2006-03-02T19:55:00.000-08:00

I finally lost again! 2.6 more pounds down. Yay me!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Is it the end of the world or are we just out of stir sticks?

2006-03-02T10:10:00.000-08:00

Actually, we're just out of stir sticks (here at work...and using plastic spoons instead. Not really a crisis of any magnitude, but enough to put some coffee efficianados around here on edge). I just thought I'd use that title as a teaser. Plus, it'll look inviting in people's RSS readers. What? I'm the only one who subscribes to my RSS? Well, I guess I'll have a giggle on my own about it then. Hrmph.

Crapanella. I should really just change the title of this blog to Procrasta-Mom. Because. Lately. I am getting everything done just on time. And blogging very sporadically at all times.

Here's one from the Procrasta-Mom Follies. I (unsuccessfully) ran a small business in 2002/2003 from my home. I made the mistake of thinking that I would be eventually making exorbitant amounts of money from said business and started charging GST (Good and Services Tax - for the southerners...and other non-Canucks) on my invoices. In late 2002 the government sent me forms (as they do for everyone) to claim and pay the GST I had charged. They did the same in early 2003, late 2003, early-early 2004, later 2004, even later in 2004, approx. 6 million times in 2005 ...and finally, because I'm not a big enough humiliation to myself, they sent my employer a garnishee order on Monday. The garnishee order was for over 1200 dollars - what the tax man had assessed (best guess). The truth of the matter is that I hardly made any money from that business and the damages were closer to $40. That's right people. Procrasta-Mom let a 40 dollar bill go for over four years. Right up to the point where my boss had to pull me into his office and voice his concern for having to pay me 30% less for the next few months, so he could pay the government on my behalf instead.

I am the Biggest Loser - but not in the Caroline Rae TV show kind of way. Lucky for me...at the very last minute (read Monday after the humiliation) I got in touch with a very nice collections lady at Revenue Canada and got the whole thing sorted out...paid my debt...avoided the garnishee...slapped myself around for another stupid-job-not-so-well-done...dusted myself off...and started thinking I should really be getting ready for the next crisis to come along.

...so I got a tea and read some blogs.

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 58 minutes

Laundry List: I should really begin to think about doing some of that...ooooo, more tea!

I hope you dance

2006-02-23T20:23:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the encouragement about the hair and nails everyone! I've decided to go for it and get my hair coloured next week. The nails? I think I'll either do a home job or just try and let them grow a little more. Went to WW tonight and only lost that 0.6 of a pound that I gained last week....so the 20 pound prize is looking further in the distance than I thought. I'll definately be rewarding myself when I do reach it, but I'm thinking it won't be happening before April at this rate. Meh.

I got some good news at the dentist though. That's kind of an oxymoron isn't it? Who gets good news at the dentist? Anyways, I recently got coverage through my work, so with CB's plan and mine combined all of my future dental work, including two more crowns I need, are fully covered! Score! Plus. Plus! My dentist...the lovely and talented Dr. Matthew...who I now love like family, is going to put porcelain veneers on my four front teeth! And that will be covered too! God, I love that man! See, I have a small grinding problem (okay, bigger than small) and have grinded my teeth down to half of their regular size. My front teeth are extra short and ugly...I hate them. My dentist put bonding on them five years ago, but that chips and falls apart easily. So veneers it is. I feel like I've died and been re-incarnated on Extreme Makeover.

I took Zeenee and her friends to the grade 9/10 dance tonight. Actually, first I came home from work, drove Z to Pharmasave to buy "the perfect colour of cover-up" (makeup shopping rocks), then I drove her over to her friend Meg's house so they could get ready and iron their hair (they do it with a real iron! she's gonna lose an ear yet). I drove home and made dinner, then back to Meg's to pick up four of them and deposit them at the dance. My friend Tracy stopped on the road after I got home. She'd been to the same place, only she'd dropped off 4 boys at the dance. It was funny, my car smelled like Brittney and her's smelled like Axe!

I watched the girls all walk into the school in a big group and got a little nostalgic. I remember getting ready for dances with my girlfriends. Were we gonna get asked to dance? Who by? Who did we hope asked us? The only difference between us and them were the styles of the day...we wore skin-tight, high waisted Jordache jeans, shaker-knit sweaters, high-tops and had our hair feathered just right. Zeenee and crowd wore skin-tight, low waisted Dorina jeans, tight t-shirts, Adidas and they all had their hair ironed straight (they all smelled amazing too).

God, but they looked beautiful...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: I'm here now...and. AND! I have tomorrow off! I'll be off visiting my friend in Langley (who I went to dances with in Grade 9) and then be taking my big butt to the gym. I'm gonna need a body to match my new teeth!

Laundry List: Lots, but I have a long weekend to do it. So. I should be starting it by Sunday at 4:00.

High Maintenance Mama?

2006-02-22T14:48:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling like I need to get my hair coloured. And get me some of those kick-ass gel nails that all the pretty girls are adorned with. I'm feeling a little high maintenance.

I haven't had my hair coloured at a salon since high school graduation (and do I need to remind you how long ago that was?) and I've NEVER had fake nails. I've also never been to a spa or had a massage, but we really don't need to start getting all weepy and whiny and poor Vicky here do we? Let's move along.

I just need to talk Cheap Bastard into coughing up the hundred bucks for the colour (hey, he didn't get the nickname after buying me the Hope diamond ladies)...the nails I can maybe beg for as a birthday present...or an "I lost 20 pounds" gift to myself.

Have you ever been to a spa? What do you guys do to make yourselves feel pretty?

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 1 hour, 17 minutes

Laundry List: It's "pretty" damned disturbing...

BPC Part III - Tips For Parents Who Don't Have a Clue

2006-02-20T15:04:00.000-08:00

Continued from BPC Part II - The one where Procrasta-Mom planned the party...

The following tips are directed at the parents of the children who attended my son's birthday party on Saturday, February 18th. Please keep in mind that, while these tips are good and valuable information for all parents, I hold no degrees and I am not a certified child psychologist...I only play one on the internet.

Teach your children empathy for animals. When your child fires at my cat with a Nerf gun, that pretty much tells me that he has no regard for the feelings of our furry friends in this world. Maybe you should get his own pet to take care of...my suggestion would be a tiger, a raccoon or a bobcat. It would increase the the wild animal quota in your home from one to two. CB had an enourmous gushing wound on his arm from trying to move the cat to the safety of our bedroom during the melee. Unfortunately, she spotted the perpetrator in the hallway and fought her way out of CB's arms to seek refuge under another bed. What the hell is wrong with your parenting skills?!

Teach your children about privacy. I was gobsmacked to discover that your child would throw open the door of my pantry and declare "is there anything else to eat in this house?"...especially after I had just fed him popcorn, pop, pizza and cake, thereby increasing my debt-load to that of a small African country. When I was a child I wouldn't even follow my friends to their rooms without being invited to do so (ha, I just said "when I was a child"...like I'm old or something)...I had no idea where they kept their food and never so much as requested a drink of water without their invitation. This all leaves me to question how private and safe my medicine cabinet is. Parent...you let them do this at other people's homes...really?

A playground is for climbing and jumping on. My furniture is for sitting on. Duh! This one is basic. Need I really say more? Parent...you are an idiot who doesn't deserve to raise rats...let alone children.

Other children should be seen and not punched. Seriously, ~~your sweet little girl~~ horrible little monster sucker-punched another girl because they both wanted Budgie to open their present first. Stern words didn't break it up. Screaming didn't break it up. You must be so proud. Parent...get your ass in that corner for 10 years of time out!

7 year olds should never watch Saw II. Or any other movie rated above PG...EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER. How could you do that? That is pure and simple child abuse in my mind. Not to mention the fact that she regaled all the children with the details of the entire movie before I walked in and clued into what was going on. Thanks for that. More sleepless nights for Budgie. Some people, like you Mr. & Mrs. Parent, are simply too stupid to breed.

...~~to be continued.~~ Edited to cross this out. I'm so over last weekend by now...still drinking, but so over it...

BPC Part II - The one where Procrasta-Mom planned the party...

2006-02-20T11:43:00.000-08:00

...or reason number 1456 for why you should plan a birthday party at least two months in advance.

Continued from Part I of The Birthday Party Chronicles.

Budgie wanted a pool party. He told you this in December, but you said "Oh Budgie, will you just drop this until after Christmas. There's lots of time to plan your party." And in January he came to you and said he wanted a pool party, but you kept forgetting to call the pool and check for availability.

When you finally call the pool three weeks before February 18th all time-slots are full.

So you call the pools in all four other surrounding cities and beg and cry for a time-slot, at any price, but they are also full..."and please Mrs. D2bH, you must stop calling here every five minutes and asking if there's been a cancellation. We are considering a restraining order."

So you call all the skating rinks within a thirty mile radius and ask for some ice-time...at which they laugh an awful lot.

So you call the gymnastics place, the rock-climbing centre,the science centre and the aquarium. They all laugh at you. You start to notice a common thread here, as if all of these people trained at the same post secondary school...The British Columbia Institute of Cynicism and Sceptism (BCICS). They all took "You're a moron and I laugh in your face 101."

So...you decide that between your van and your mother's car you and your husband can tote 9 kids to a movie (Hoodwinked) playing at 2:40 in the city next door. The invitation states: Then we'll come back to our house for pizza and cake...yaa, fun! Please arrive at 2:00.

On Friday the 17th the theatre in the city next door stops playing Hoodwinked...and we are all out of choices for a backup movie. Taking 9 kids to see "Freedomland" is probably a recipe for disaster.

Instead, you decide to drive those 9 kids four cities over to see Hoodwinked...playing at 2:35. (Anybody living in the Lower Mainland? You know how realistic it is to expect to get from Port Coquitlam to Langley in under 30 minutes right? You're laughing at me now too aren't you?! You must have attended BCICS also...hrumph.)

The kids arrive around 2:00 and you pack them in the vehicles...and it's now 2:16! Drive mother-@#$%^. Drive!!!

Arrive at movie theatre and pay $104.50 for admission. Note to self - call banker and extend line of credit. Brush off pleas to play in the arcade and admonish evil minions for playing with the pay phones. Think to yourself, "crap, we should have just brought them here and let them loose in the arcade. It would've been a hell of a lot cheaper."

Run into designated theatre and throw ~~children~~ evil minions into available chairs, ignoring other patrons snorts of disgust at your inability to arrive before the previews. Sit down just as last preview is ending. ~~Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.~~

Send husband out to lobby for popcorn and drinks...$67.80. Note to self - put kidney on e-bay.

Continued in BPC Part III - Tips for Parents Who Don't Have a Clue

Birthday Party Chronicles (BPC)

2006-02-20T11:38:00.000-08:00

My Budgie-mon turned eight on Saturday. My youngest...my baby...turned eight...EIGHT!!! I'll post pictures later as they're still in the camera and Cheap Bastard hasn't downloaded them yet. That's his job...mow the lawn, put gas in the van (cause I hate that job) and download the pictures from the camera. He lives the life of luxury.

I want to tell you about Budgie's birthday party. About how I wasn't sure if I'd survive until 6:00 when people picked up their little hell-freaks and took them home....FOREVER. About what an incredible idiot I am for not planning at least two months in advance. About the fact that I'm NEVER, EVER doing this again for at least three months (when it's Bella's 10th). About the empty liquor cabinet at my house. I think I'm going to break it into sections. Yes sections. No, different posts. Yes, different posts that all link together. Like a really good Stephen King Serial...full of horror...sans the skills of an excellent writer.

I tell you this now, instead of on Saturday when everything happened...like Budgie's real birthday...where he turned eight...and Mommy drank a lot afterwards.

I'm not very good at posting on the weekends...you may have noticed. I THINK to post on the weekends. In fact I come up with some great topics and stories in my head. But when I sit down at my home computer to post...there's this little button on there that screams "POKERSTARS!". And I click it. And I play that instead of bloggifying (shut up...it's a word). And I burn others with my slowplay. Because I am addicted you see.

So instead I write it all out here...behind the cubicle wall. Where I should be typing the Safety Minutes...a recap of the most excrutiatingly boring two hours of last week. Luckily, the fingers sound like they are typing safety minutes...and underneath this little screen are the real safety minutes which I quickly click back to everytime an intruder approaches the cubicle. No harm, no foul right?

...she says as she visits the unemployment office...

Continued in BPC Part II - The one where Procrasta-Mom planned the party...

WW4 - Week 2 (the one with lots of swearing)

2006-02-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

~~Nectarine~~ Stupid Nectarine was disgusting

Orange (it'll have to do) 1

This is what I just wrote in my Weight Watchers tracking book for my morning snack. Because I'm mad. And not just crazy mad (for I'm always that), but pissed off mad too.

Stupid body. Stupid Weight Watchers. Stupid fat.

I walked into WW last night with a grin on my face. I was gonna have lost at least two more pounds. I would be taking my flex points down two points to the next lowest weight category. Hell, maybe I'd even lost 3.4+ pounds and I'd be receiving my next "I lost 5 pounds!" sticker. I love Thursdays. I LOVE this system!

Oh, yes please I would like to buy an organizer wallet for all of the information you keep giving me. Yum, WW chocolate bars that taste like Mars bars. Give me two boxes! Oh yes thank you I had a great week!

Then I stepped up on the scale, the nice lady behind the table recorded my weight and I literally had a mental meltdown while still standing on the scale. Okay, the window is over there...I'll just run over and throw it open and j...oh crap, we're only two floors up...stupid hotel conference room that smells like sweat!

I gained!!! 0.6 pounds!!! Son of a bitch!!!

I think the nice lady could see that I was starting to shake, because she started talking really fast:

Did you drink all your water? Lady, I have just removed myself from the bathroom for the first time this week to come here and weigh in...and when I get off the scale I'm heading right over to that door with the stick-lady in a skirt on it. Drank the water...check.

Did you record everything you ate? I have become so familiar with food labels over the past two weeks that the food manufacturers took out a restraining order on me. Do not stalk the food labels. Recorded the points...check.

Did you eat ALL of your points every day? Now this one was hard...there's a lot of stuff to eat everyday and sometimes I had maybe one or two points left at 10pm and I didn't want to eat anything else that day. Ate all of the points...oops, no.

So. Yeah. Gotta work on that last one and change a couple of things up, like the order of the food I'm eating.

Anyways...I did end up going on a murderous rampage after the meeting. I killed a medium fries and frosty at Wendy's. Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

Back on the wagon today. And I'm still upset about the crappy nectarine...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 26 minutes

Laundry List: Just phoned Zeenee at home to ask her to pick up all the laundry throughout the house and put in a couple of loads today, seeing as she has a Pro-D day and isn't at school. Got MAJOR attitude from the princess...NOT a good day to mess with Mom...doesn't she know I can wreak havoc on her social life?

WW4 - Battle of the Bulge:

My Other Blog:

It'll Have to Do

2006-02-16T18:01:00.000-08:00

Okay...it works with THIS template. It'll have to do for now.

...now that my hair is all ripped out.

...now that the hair I ripped out is all grey.

I'm off to Weight Watchers for the weekly weigh in and motivational speech. If I've lost again I'll be posting with the news.

If I haven't lost...you'll hear my story ON the news.

(j/k)

Now?

2006-02-16T17:51:00.000-08:00

test

Sidebar - The Wrath of D2bH

2006-02-14T21:24:00.000-08:00

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Well, that didn't work. Maybe it's a Blogger thing, because LaLa's blog is doing it too and she's using the same template.

Google...you can't live with em'...can't search the net without em'.

Sidebar Part Deux

2006-02-14T21:14:00.000-08:00

Okay, when I click on a selected post from my Google home page (with my feed), my sidebar shows up next to the post. When I view it from the main page...no sidebar!

You know what this means don't you? Oh yes people. Oh yes!

New template coming...

Oh where is my sidebar?

2006-02-14T15:25:00.000-08:00

Hmmm, not sure how to get my sidebar back up to the top of the page. Seems something I wrote yesterday offended the blogging gods and my sidebar was banished to the firey reaches of H.E.Double-hockey-sticks...(shhhh, I meant HELL...shhhh).

How are ya'll today? Lots of goodies for valentines day? Not me...PROCRASTA-MOM and her hubby Cheap Bastard don't do valentines day (hence the need not to capitalize the words)...CB thinks it's just a day made up by Hallmark to boost sales and would rather send me little surprises every now and then. Come to think of it I haven't had the opportunity to run around with flowers lately. That man better get his romantic butt in gear soon!

It's all good anyways, as I don't really feel like being all snuggly and kissy-faced today. Too many cramps and other girly things...ugh! "Not now honey, I have a headache. Not now honey, CSI is on. Not now honey, I think my toenail cancer is acting up."

Budgie potted a flower at Beavers last night which I think were intended for them to give to their Moms for Valentines Day. Budgie decided he would give it to his greatest love, Cali, at school today. It's all I can do to keep from worrying that she'll reject his gift and crush my little man to smithereens. I've been worried all day thinking about it...8 year olds can be so mean. I hope she accepts it well. He is such a sensitive little guy and the trouble he's been having making friends this year...well, he just doesn't need to be upset by this. Fingers crossed.

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 50 minutes

Laundry List: It's building...but it's Valentines Day...a national no-laundry holiday!

Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU! I just added an interesting question to my Sticky Notes blog about whether the term "secretary" is outdated. You can read it here.

Comments are encouraged by the site owner...and gratefully received!

2006-02-13T15:39:00.000-08:00

I'M BACK!!!

(birds chirping...)

Mmmm, yes. Well. I'd give some good excuse for not posting for a week and a half, but nothing is coming to mind. I'm chalking it up to the new title I have given myself...PROCRASTA-MOM...she works, she plays, she makes lunches, she does laundry...right at the very last possible minute! Watch as she makes list after list of chores, then shuffles them to the bottom of the pile. Listen as she yells at her kids to do their homework, then sits down at the computer to work on her site...and ends up playing hold'em. Observe the late nights as she frantically whips up a craft for a girl guide meeting the very next day. PROCRASTA-MOM...coming soon to reap havoc on your schedule!

I started out banning myself from posting on D2bH until I'd updated my blog on Administrative Avenue. That didn't work. The last post there is still sitting at January 18th. That whole thing is starting to worry me...am I ever gonna be inspired to work on it some more? I'm pathetic!

News from the Weight Watchers front. I lost 6.4 pounds the first week! I have been elated all weekend, since I found out on Thursday night. The leader gave me my "I lost 5 pounds" bookmark and then made me tell everyone what my secret is...I don't know...magic? I actually almost made
a joke of it and told them I drink a lot, seeing as I'd just been to the dentist the hour before for a crown-prep and my words were all slurry from the freezing. That would have been funny. "I'd like to tell all you beefy-like-me ladies that I followed the point system to the letter and it worked, but really I just suckled on a bottle of Crown Royal everyday and the weight just fell off!" Actually, I did follow the system to the letter and it IS working. It's the easiest thing...except for all the water. I can drink the six 8oz glasses of water, it's just that I haven't seen my family or been to work in 11 days as my bum is firmly attached to the porcelain pot...I have to pee about eleventy-billion times a day. How's this for the next WW commercial:

"I lost 100 pounds and my bladder fell out"

I have to set little goals for myself and work towards the next ten pounds marks...or I'll go insane thinking of how long and hard it's gonna be to lose 73 pounds. Yep, you read that right. 73. Just to get to a healthy weight. Not even an ideal weight for my height. Just healthy. 73 son-of-a-pounds! I took my measurements last night...sigh...ouch. I need to have those measurements down on paper for when I don't feel like I've lost very much in a week or when I lose nothing. Then I can turn to the tape measure and prove to myself that I'm making a difference.

I'm sticking to this...I actually kind of like it. And, I've just finished my 8th serving of water for today.

Excuse me. Excuse me! Move aside! Oh Lord, tell me there's no-one in the bathroom. I'll use the men's if I have to...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 51 minutes

Laundry List: 2 or 3 loads...it was a good weekend.

WW4 - The battle of the bulge: 6.4 pounds lost. 66.6 to go.

Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!

Comments are encouraged by the site owner...and gratefully received!

"Feed" Desperate to be a Housewife

2006-02-02T10:51:00.000-08:00

...no, not with food. I'm starting a diet, remember?

Just wanted to mention that I have recently come out of the dark ages and added a feed to this blog, so you can keep up with all the happenings here at D2bH...oooooh, shiny!

If you're not quite sure what a feed is...you add the feed to an RSS reader and everytime one of your favourite sites updates, you can see it and click-in...wait, I'm the last person that should be explaining it to you...cause did I mention that me "teaching" is right at the bottom of my list of occupations I would like to try...see it? Right there underneath "the guy who attaches tracking devices to sharks". So....here's a link all about feeds and rss (from Feedburner)...cause those guys can explain it in words you will understand. This is how I usually describe technical do-ma-hoos (I made that word up, you didn't know that did you?):

What kind of car do you have? A red one.

What type of computer do you use? A beige one.

What is an RSS feed? Ooooooooh, shiny!

Obviously, it's better if someone else explains it. Here are some of the feeds you can subscribe to. I do know that if you click on the pretty picture, it explains how to add it to your homepage...ie. Google, Yahoo, Bloglines, etc. I subscribe to all of my favourite blogs if they have a feed and I add them to my personalized Google Homepage. (psst...I also subscribed to my own, just so I can see it working).

Subscribe to Desperate To Be A Housewife

P.S. If you're using Blogger and don't have a feed yet, go to Settings, Feed and follow the instructions. It will lead you to Feedburner and you can get the same pretty pictures to place on your site...say it with me once more....oooooooh, shiny!

Salad Tea?

2006-02-02T10:31:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or does anyone else think that green tea tastes like green vegetables? Lettuce, cabbage and brocolli with a hint of brussel sprouts...ugh!

I'm starting Weight Watchers tonight with my SIL, Debs, and one of the girls here at work (who's also fighting WWI - Weight Watchers, the battle of the bulge) told me that any tea, sans cream and sugar, is free points...meaning I can drink as much of this salad as I want...again, ugh!

Yesterday after lunch I tried the orange-spice flavour, which was yum...but I was always led to believe that green tea gave you so much more of a healthy advantage than the other, lower class teas (the working poor of teas?)...antioxidants, vitamins, minerals, the promise of shiny, lusterous hair...I want all that and (after suffering through this diet for a few weeks) a bag of chips.

Anyways, I'm gonna finish this cup, then have another salad for lunch - a real one with lettuce, turkey, almonds, cranberries and raspberry vinagrette dressing - then I'm gonna have the orange-spice tea again...tastes more like a pie than a salad...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 5 hours, 47 minutes, 2-3 cups of non-Tetley [*sob*] tea

Laundry List: I also hear that green tea can perform the miracle of making your laundry disappear...oui?

Do you like green tea? What kind of tea is your favourite? Tell me what to try.

Hypa-Mom

2006-02-01T10:24:00.000-08:00

Zeenee said I was hyper in the van this morning. "Mom, did you take drugs this morning, cause you're really hyper" were her exact words. "No, I had a bite of banana" I replied. "Just one bite?" she said, "Because most monkeys are calmer than you." (thank you, thank you. She gets her comedic nature from her mother's side of the family)

Actually, the entire conversation was quite amusing and, seeing as you have nothing better to do than read my drivel over here, I'll recap it as best I remember:

As we're walking out to the van we notice animal scat in front of my Mom's car. We ponder the species of animal that left such a pile...raccoon? coyote? bear? elephant?...No, too big to be raccoon or coyote...bear? elephant? We come to an executive decision that our street has been visited by a bear in the night (the elephant would have left footprints in the butter) and I tell her to look out for the offender cause it's still dark...he could jump out from behind a tree and open his trenchcoat at any moment. We make it to inner sanctum of the minivan (safe, phew!) and drive up to Nita's house to pick her up.

Me: There it is!!! Oh wait, it's just a stop sign. Bear! No, stop sign again. Black bear! Wait, it's just a guy wearing black.

Z: Okay, enough. It's only funny once.

Me: Oh My God! Bear! No, just a truck.

Z: Ha, ha...you're really loud in the morning.

We pull into Nita's driveway and wait and wait for her to come out.

Me: NITA!!! WE'RE HERE!!! COME OUT!!!

Z: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Me: Nobody can hear me...we're in the van.

Zeenee gets out to go and get Nita. Shuts door.

Me: ZEENEE!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME!!!

Z: (nods yes, goes red, puts finger to lips)

(Wow, this van isn't very soundproof...maybe people can hear it when I crank Milli-Vanilli on the stereo...phew, good job everyone thinks I'm soooo cool)

Zeenee and Nita get in the van and we drive to school.

Z: My Mom is hyper today.

Nita: (laughs)

Me: I'm not the one who pretends to be a dog and barks at the window at strange boys.

Z: He's not a strange boy. He's Adam. And I only barked at him once...

Me: last week...

Z: Well, I thought it was funny. I bark really well. I really sounded like a dog.

Me: Boys aren't gonna want to date you if you bark like a dog at the window.

Z: Ew! Who'd want to date Adam anyways. He's gross!

Me: He might have cute friends who would reconsider asking you for a date if he told them about the barking.

Z: He doesn't. Anyways, he goes to the other high school now. Who wants to date anyone from Riverwood?

Me: Yeah, you should definately stick to your own kind. We wouldn't want to mix the poodles with the pit bulls.

Z: You never know...some guy might like the two-in-one kind of girl I am. A girlfriend and a loyal companion.

Me: True. And it IS hilarious when you do that barking thing...

We pull into the school driveway...

Me: Have a good day girls. I love you Z. Remember, to prevent Meningitis, don't share your crack pipe with others! (we read this once in a pamphlet about Meningitis and nearly peed our pants laughing. it has been a running joke since...and Zeenee has made sure to NEVER share her crackpipe..."I bought it for you! Let the other mothers pay for their children's accessories.")

Z: I know Mom. You tell me that all the time. I won't share it. Thanks for the ride.

Nita: Thanks for the ride Mrs. D2bH.

Me: MAKE GOOD DECISIONS HONEY!!!

(Zeenee hangs her head and runs in the door...)

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 6 hours, 3 minutes

Laundry List: There's lots of it barking at me from the laundry-room...you know what they say..."Feed a dog once, he's loyal for life"..."Feed the laundry a fish..."

Bella at Camp

2006-01-30T21:18:00.000-08:00

We didn't sleep in these teepees...it was January and we were happier in our heated lodge (complete with deep-freeze and dishwasher...hey a girl should "rough-it" every now and then!). Zeenee and I have spent a weekend in these teepees and they're really neat to camp in.

Not to be outdone...

2006-01-30T21:14:00.000-08:00

Budgie wanted to know why I was only posting pics of Bella. "Show them my picture with the Beaver!"

He got to bring this giant stuffed beaver home for two weeks! It has had its own bed and pillow and has been tucked in every night.

Bella & her Inukshuk

2006-01-30T21:12:00.000-08:00

2006-01-30T21:07:00.000-08:00

Bella was apprehensive about dipping her toes in the frigid water...notice Suzie in the background as she falls in and gets soaked from head to toe!

2006-01-30T21:00:00.000-08:00

Bella tip-toeing into the Pacific Ocean...on January 27th!

Monday - Random Nonsense

2006-01-30T15:10:00.000-08:00

Last Friday was the official start of my getting every second Friday off work. Woot! Actually, I requested it back in July 05 and my boss only got around to implementing it now. It means two lost days of pay per month, but even Cheap Bastard thought I could use the break for my sanity. I loves him...

As of January 1st I also got put on the company's benefit plan (medical, dental, MSP, Long-term/short-term disability & insurance). The company pays for the coverage, which means that nothing comes off of my cheques for benefits...so really, if I'm being covered for $425 worth of benefits per month, those two days of lost wages are covered. I just got the cards today that you take to the pharmacist when you need medication and you don't have to pay money up front. I've never had this before. We've always had to buy drugs and submit our receipts on CB's plan (we still have his benefits, which means that dental is covered 80% by his and the remainder is covered 80% by mine). I feel like a kid in a candy store...I think I'll get my doctor to sign me up for a variety of medications (depression, dementia, diptheria, diarrea and anything else that starts with a "D")...one of each of all those pretty colours of pills please...ooooo, shiny!

I am so incredibly tired from this past weekend. If I have a coffee before I leave work I think I can manage to stay awake for the drive home and obey all the traffic signals...I have reservations about making it to the front door of my house once I park though...since there are SIX steps to navigate...I wonder if anyone has ever slept on our front lawn before? Hmmm, I seem to recall an incident one New Year's Eve...

My SIL and I are starting Weight Watchers on Thursday night. Cheap Bastard is hesitant about my ability to get through an entire day sans chocolate, but I think I can do it...(oh God a Mars bars would taste sooooo good right now!). I told him he'd be sorry he was such a Doubting Thomas when Debs and I were the hottest Mommies on the beaches of Kelowna this summer...ha, I can dream...at least I already hold the title of "hottest Mommy married to Cheap Bastard"...by default of course.

Zeenee is mad at me because I commented that she hadn't cleaned her room in a really long time...she went into a tirade to the effect of "youdon'tappreciatewhatIdoaroundhere - Idomorethanotherteenagers - whyareyoualwayssonegative? - youareruiningmysociallife"...something like that...then she stopped talking to me...I only got a grunt out of her this morning when she was getting out of the van. I don't understand it...I didn't yell, I didn't knash my teeth. I simply commented on the state of (dis)grace of her room. I also found the answer to the question "why have the seven of us been sharing four juice glasses, two bowls and a plate for the past several days?" Seems that she is harvesting a crop of mould spores using my good china (when you're a Mom, Corelle is good china) and 11 day old macaroni and cheese...there are glasses, bowls and plates on every usable surface and I believe something in one of those bowls waved at me from under her bed...

My best friend since grade two just called me from Calgary to say that she is pregnant! I sat here behind my cubicle wall squealing and cooing incoherantly...then I cried a little. My Lou-Lou-Weeza is gonna be a Mommy...which means another trip to Calgary for me in July. Can't. Wait.

...that is all citizens. Return to your regular lives.

I'm. Tired.

Desperate to be a Housewife

The sale didn't go through...

2006-01-30T11:30:00.000-08:00

I've decided not to move. I called the realtor and told her the sale was off. I'm staying at Blogger. Thanks to The Empress, who pointed out that I have a good page rank at Google with this blog already, so I think I should stay where I am. (I wish I really knew how to search out that page rank thing...one more thing for my list of things to learn). I do have an idea for a new blog that I want to write, but too many time constraints to start it right now. I'll keep Blog Charm in mind for when I start that though.

Just got back yesterday from a Girl Guide camp with Anabella. We had the best time. We went to a Guide camp on the Sunshine Coast called Camp Olave. It's a collection of tent sites and lodges of various sizes located right on the ocean. The girls made t-shirts, many crafts, prepared meals, did dishes (some of them had NEVER helped with this at home!), cleaned toilets and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning...much to their leaders chagrin (I'm sure I'm now officially "Mean Guider Dave" due to the number of times I threatened their very lives if I heard "one more sound coming from this room and don't anybody slam this door again and I don't even want to hear you say shhhhh for the millionth time and I will call your parents and get them to come and get you in the middle of the night and boy will they be mad if they have to pay to take a ferry and come out here to find you strung up on the flagpole in your pyjamas...and NO, I don't have any clue where your flashlight is...and again, GO TO SLEEP!!!).

The weather couldn't have been better. We only had a few sprinkles of rain...the girls actually waded in the Pacific Ocean....in January! Something I never could have imagined growing up in frigid Calgary.

I have pictures of Anabella and will try to post them later tonight...I had sooo much fun with her!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 3 hours, 29 minutes

Laundry List: Oh boy, happy days...I have so much waiting for me at home!

Administrative Assistants - have you visited this website? Articles, tips, tricks and humour for the most important person in the office...YOU!

Comments are encouraged by the site owner...and gratefully received!

Want to see my new place?

2006-01-25T15:29:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking about moving to here. Would you be so kind as to check it out with me...tell me whether I'm making the mistake of a lifetime leaving my current digs?

Please, please, please?

Look at this photograph...every time I do it...makes me drink more martinis...

2006-01-24T15:52:00.000-08:00

CB and I went to see Nickelback on Friday night with my brother and SIL. It. Rocked. Bigtime. (Is that cool to say? Having visions of Zeenee saying "ew Mom, No") The drum solo was just awesome (I actually felt like my body was being shaken in an earthquake) and I was reminded that, at 33, I'm still not too old for rock concerts...woot! The band Live opened up for them and they were really entertaining also. My conversation with Zeenee the next morning:

That concert was awesome, you should have come with us.

Eww, no.

What? You don't like Nickelback?

I love Nickelback...but it would NOT be cool to show up with my parents.

((sigh))

-------------------------------------

Saturday night we attended a house warming party...or should I say a Martini Madness Party

M is for Martini...of which I injested eight...in four hours

A is for Alcohol...90% of a Martini...of which I injested eight...in four hours

R is for Rick & Rhondi's house...where they hosted the party...with the alcohol...90% of a Martini...of which I injested eight...in four hours

T is for Tipsy...which I got after the second drink...at Rick & Rhondi's house...where they hosted the party...with the alcohol...90% of a Martini...of which I injested eight...in four hours

I is for In the chocolate fountain...which is where I wanted to bathe...and CB had to hold me back...cause I was Tipsy...which I got after the second drink...at Rick & Rhondi's house...where they hosted the party...with the alcohol...90% of a Martini...of which I injested eight...in four hours

N is for Noise...which affected me greatly the next day...cause I had rather a large headache...after eight martinis and my near miss in the chocolate fountain...which is where I wanted to bathe...and CB had to hold me back...cause I was Tipsy...which I got after the second drink...at Rick & Rhondi's house...where they hosted the party...with the alcohol...90% of a Martini...of which I injested eight...in four hours

I is for Inching back to good health...on a Tuesday...finally...I can now handle the Noise...which affected me greatly the next day...cause I had rather a large headache...after eight martinis and my near miss in the chocolate fountain...which is where I wanted to bathe...and CB had to hold me back...cause I was Tipsy...which I got after the second drink...at Rick & Rhondi's house...where they hosted the party...with the alcohol...90% of a Martini...of which I injested eight...in four hours

Anyways, I highly recommend the Porn Star and the Sour Apple. Also, the chocolate fountain was the coolest thing. Seems they got it from Costco for about fifty bucks. I would totally buy one if I didn't have a dungeon full of small appliances that I don't use anymore...like my waffle iron, bread maker, food processor, ~~children~~, George Forman Grill, etc.

The absolute best thing though...is the wonderful friends we have made these last two years through Zeenee's soccer team. Rick is Zeenee's coach (best. coach. ever.) and it was his house we were at. A lot of the other parents from the team were there and both CB and I had a blast. Usually a party like that would find CB hiding in the corner or skulking by the TV pretending to be interested in the "underwater nosepicking channel" while I chat with anyone and everyone...but not this time! We both had interesting conversations with everyone...I guess that all of us having 14 year old daughters leads us to have a lot in common...PMS, MSN, Estrogen, "Ew Mom, No!"...

The team is again going to Victoria in April for a tournament and everybody brings the whole family. This means two nights of partying/whooping it up by the parents whilst the children are free to vandalize, rape & pillage and generally terrorize the hotel (what? We always pick them up from the Juvenile Detention Centre the next day and treat them to ice cream!).

It's almost to the point where the team is staying together for the parents' sake. What's that little Zeenee? You want to try gymnastics next year? No dice girly...you'll play soccer or nothing...and by nothing I mean that you'll play soccer! Don't mess with Mommy's social life!

***Please note that the above statements are made with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Children and Family Services does not need to be summoned at this time. I repeat...tongue in cheek...parts of this post have been fabricated...it was a motel not a hotel...

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 38 minutes...hoozah!

Laundry List: L is for laughable...

Comments are encouraged by the site owner...and gratefully received! Leave a comment, get a free martini!

2006-01-23T11:21:00.000-08:00

My baby brother's unit left for Afghanistan on Saturday. His big sister is very unsettled about this. He is far too young to be carrying a gun, stationed in desolate country, with dry, horrible terrain...in danger of being blown to bits by the very people they are there to protect and help. All I can think of is the Canadian soldiers who were recently injured in Kandahar...the same place he is to be stationed.

You may think that 28 is old enough to be carrying a gun, performing peace-keeping duties, serving his country...but my mind still sees him at 7 (Budgie's age)...leaping around the backyard wearing only a black Uvex ski helmet, G.I. Joe underoos and a towel tied around his neck like a cape.

Be safe CAPTAIN BEACHTOWEL...and please let August come quickly...

Sell Your Soul Day

2006-01-23T10:08:00.000-08:00

It's election day here in the Great White North. Time to decide who we want to run this beautiful country of ours. And here are the nominees:

The demon we know...

The demon we don't know...

Or the DEVIL HIMSELF...

Looks like it's going to be good old Satan running things around here from now on...if the advance polls are telling the whole story. We should be flying the Stars & Stripes and singing God Bless America by next Tuesday...the man will sell us piece by piece. And while I'm worried about losing important things like universal health care, gay marriage and good beer, not to mention the fact that our military will be expected to fight alongside our new countrymen in Iraq (what? We have a 1978 jeep and a plane from WWII that we could contribute!) I've decided to focus on the pros of ~~being assimilated into~~ joining the U.S. of A:

No more worries about the dollar gaining/losing value. We'll be spending the REAL green stuff.

No passports/ID cards required to go down to Washington to shop at the outlet stores.

Our own outlet stores!

We won't have to wait years to get products new to the market....like spray-cheese in a can!

Annual free trips to Disneyland! (ya'll are soooooo lucky)

Many, many, many more DEMOCRATS to help fight the good fight against the Bush Administration! Woot!

Canadians - Get out there today and V O T E

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 7 hours...need an extra hour to go mark an X

Laundry List: I'm voting NDP on this one -- as there are Numerous Damned Piles of it all over my house

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Post full of BULL

2006-01-19T09:36:00.000-08:00

Taurus: You are over-tired and the fact that The Office, CSI and Without a Trace are on tonight leaves you little hope of getting to bed before 11 p.m. - unless you are blessed with reruns. Also, you face the impending Nickelback concert on Friday night and a bang-up house warming party with your fellow soccer parents on Saturday. Outlook for sleep does not look good. This lack of rest, combined with the worry of adding content to your other site and the thought of getting a newsletter out before next Wednesday only serves to hinder a positive outcome for the week ahead. Your mind will be completely void of a blog entry today, so you will resort to a fabricated horoscope to fill space. Oh, and your hair looks terrible today...try to spend more than 30 seconds on it. Edit: The stars predict that you will edit this entry four times. (**it came true!!!**)

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until you're back with your family: 5 hours, 42 minutes

Your Laundry List: Outlook is disasterous!

Comments: The Moon meets Venus in the latter part of the day and many comments are forthcoming.

NO!

2006-01-16T11:18:00.000-08:00

This morning I emailed the PAC (Parents Advisory Council) President of Zeenee's high school and tendered my resignation as Secretary. The thought of "just one more meeting" this week sent me over the edge. I decided to to quit as I'd been thinking about it for months (since I was cajoled into doing the job in the first place)...the weight off my shoulders today is already paying off...I did a dance at the thought of only taking Budgie to Beavers tonight. No borrowing my mother's car so I can go one way and CB can go the other. No soliciting others for rides, cause we've only got one vehicle, two parental units and three kids in two activities each...the math is making my head spin!

Also, on Saturday night I was compelled to attend one of those Partylite candle parties at my old friends home three cities away (a 40 minute drive on a Saturday night in the best of traffic). Don't you think it's a bit presumptuous to say in your reminder e-mail "don't forget your chequebook"...even if you include a "ha, ha" at the end of this statement, I'm led to the conclusion that I'm not invited because I'm the life of every party...you want me to spend enough cash so you can get your free, tacky, brushed metal wall-sconce that's gonna burst your home into flames the first time you forget to snuff it out before you leave for that double feature at the multiplex.

Anyways, I went and was back in 2 hours (the drive was only 32 minutes each way...ha!), only $27.84 poorer (bought one very lovely scented, blue, 3 wick, brick candle...no holder) AND I refused to book a show. The thought of the commitment to inviting 45 of my closest friends to "bring your chequebooks...ha, ha" to my ugly house and spend an hour smelling 4 million different candle scents would keep me awake at night wondering if they didn't think me a cheapo little, candle grubbing witch. I would much rather have 5 of my closest friends over for wine, munchies and chick-talk...at least I could look them in the eye in the morning!

So, 2006 is the year of NO!

No, I will not take on a third or fourth Guiding position. I love Guiding and believe deeply in it's philosophy...but it is not just "an hour a week" as they always sell you in the beginning...it is closer to 5 hours a week. I already hold two positions, my hands are full.

No, I will not join your committee.

No, I will not invite 45 of my closest friends to my house to buy your overpriced junk.

No, I will not coordinate a craft night for 50 Beavers.

No, I will not oversee another pub night for the soccer team...okay, I already committed to the one we're having in March, but I said yes in 2005, when saying yes was in style..."yes is the new blue".

It's time I had some "me" time...and I'm penciling that in for 10:45 tonight...right after I bake those cookies for the bake sale, which is right after I prepare the craft for tomorrow night's Guide meeting.

Yay me!

Desperate to be a Housewife

Time until I'm back with my family: 4 hours, 56 minutes

Laundry List: I was done at 4:30 yesterday...then Zeenee snuck up with another load...lucky for her, she's very apt at the laundry dance...she did it herself and I didn't have to "end" her.

Other stuff: If you live in the Lower Mainland (or Canada even, probably) - Superstore has all their school supplies on sale right now...even though I wasn't in the market for school supplies yesterday (it's January!), I picked up scissors for 44 cents - regular 3.98! - glue for 44 cents - math sets for 99 cents - and loads of other stuff for unbelievable prices...if you have kids in school like me you're always looking for deals...this was a nice one!

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